lovestruck

the end of me.

2007-10-07T09:56:00.000-07:00

frankly.. it's not tat i have nothing to say. i just don't want to drag it any longer.

i don know why they do this. like sorry makes a whole lot of difference. like it can turn back time and erase all wrongs. well.. it can't. though i know tat's the best one can do...

but what hurts is when they treat it as their safety net. do all the wrongs first. Consciously do all the wrongs they can possibly think and feel like doing first. once they're done, off they go after uttering tat word. know wat.. i can still accept it.. only if it was...... sincere.

but it wasn't. conveniently saying sorry over one sms to explain everything for a convenient reason of being embarrassed to face me is not a sincere gesture. it is even more deplorable when the things tat one finally confessed are unacceptable.

one yr of deceit. i never imagined tat i would be faced with this. i can't help but to wonder wat wrong have i done, so big tat i am faced with this. and to think tat our meet one yr back was all well meaning. though things didn't work out, i didn't expect this to come from you.

and you know wat... it hurts to realize tat you only confessed and apologized after that thing has occurred in ur life. if it didn't happen.. you might not have apologized.. you might not confessed... for God knows how much longer.

though hurt.... i am glad. i'm glad that it's finally over. and i'm very glad that your path has taken a turn for the better. so.. here it is...

the end of me.

to you...

and to all.

random thought

2007-08-26T03:01:00.000-07:00

ya... i thought so too. i hardly do this. HARDLY, i tell you... so when i actually do.. i guess one can decipher quite alot from this.

i must say though.. i can't remember when was the last time i actually felt this strong about doing this. the last time it did, i knew it took alot of painful experiences on both my part and those who are dear to me. unable to contain it any longer, i felt i had to let it out. the last time, i let it all out in my personal diary but since now my personal diary has taken the public route, i shall play the 'saper makan cili, dierlah terasa pedasnyer' game

quite long a name for a game. korang pernah main game nie tak?? maybe not... coz i could imagine you guys being too tired to start playing just after introducing the game. let us all imagine...

A: eh! saper nak main 'saper makan cili, dier terasa pedasnyer'
B: ah? 'saper makan cili, dier terasa pedasnyer'
A: uhuh... 'saper makan cili, dier terasa pedasnyer'
B: ooohhh.. 'saper makan cili, dier terasa pedasnyer' eh! Bestnyer!
i OK GO!
A: ok eh! kiter main 'saper makan cili, dier terasa pedasnyer' eh! yeah!
B: yeah! yeah! kiter main 'saper makan cili, dier terasa pedasnyer'!
A: eh.. eh... kejap.
B: yeah! yeah! yeah! yea... ha. aper bender yang kejap?
A: tak jadi main ah.
B: ha? tak jadi? asal???
A: aku penat ah...
B: aik?!?!?! belom main, dah penat?
A: tu lah dier... heran jugak aku nie. pelik eh...
B: ah, betol. pelik benar. eh.. jap.
A: ah.. aper bender?
B: aku pon penat ah.... entah asal.
A: aik! kau pon!
B: ahah...
A: tak main lah eh...
B: ah.. tak jadi ah.

amacam? dapat imagine? confirm penat si A dan B tu... ish ish ish... kesian dorang....

ok! DIGRESSION!!!! back to the cerita.

eh.. jap....

aku dah penat ah... betol! tak bedek... kalau tak penat, confirm banyak yg nak ditulis. game 'saper makan cili, dierlah terasa pedasnyer' tu game yang memerlukan banyak tulisan kiasan. tapi macam si A dan B, aku dah penat walaupun belum setat enjen.

eh! asal aku tukar bahasa aku ah? starting starting, eksyen je nak bobal bahasa inggeris. tup tup, dah habis dialog, tros tukar bahasa malaysia? serius.. tak terlintas di otak begok nie nak tukar language! AH AH! aku biol!

EH DAH LA!

SEKIAN!

how to touch a girl...

2007-08-05T06:59:00.000-07:00

i think i could like you...

i already do...

feelings can grow but...

they can go away too...

but i keep holding back...

coz i really can't tell...

if ur fiction or fact.

give me some flowers....

conversation for hours...

to see if we really connect.

and, baby, if we do....

ooohhh!

i'll give all my love......

FOR YOU!

BRING IT ON

2007-07-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

1 month of not blogging does not mean that nothing has happened in my life. IN FACT, there has been many eventful things that occured in my life. whether or not ppl notice it, that's a diff story altogether.

ok! where do i start?

aha! NUS life.

SEM 1... i was completely invisible. i can walk to and fro infront of a group of ppl only to not have one person looking up at me. struggled through my 5 mods, of which some i almost competely blindly picked and for the rest, i tagged along with the only friend from JC. i had most of my lunches alone in the huge, human infested DECK. in btw lunches and lessons, i would either warm up one of those blue benches in the Forum or have very long solats and time offs letting myself be drifted off by at the scenic view AS6's mussollah. begged for help with my science GEM from one random person in LT26 of science fac. that was the only 'friend' i had then... looking at the fact that my JC friend became a babe in sch and started attracting very eligible bachelors, thus having less time with me. i can't deny the fact that she's a hottie! happy for her though... if only i am... nah... forget it.

SEM 1 break (i guess... when was fasting month?)
got involved in my first NUSMS event. progs head for iftar. GOD! was it a real test of my patience or what!!!! i could feel my newly adopted principles in life (had a few when i entered NUS) being put up for the credibility test. after that, i felt like i had to sit down and rethink abt the changes i want to have my life. it didn't feel real. aka.. i felt fake. it was then that i realise the effects of being very immersed and comfortable in a secular school's culture. say it with me... culture shock... BIG TIME!

Somewhere in DEC- JAN
second NUSMS event. i decided to be myself. i thought "hey! heck with miss nice-and-oh-so-fragile. take me for what i truly am." i have to admit though... i was hesitant to see the result of my stand. i mean.. i know what i am and i have a strong feeling ppl are going to see me different from the rest (in a bad way..) still, i got to know of a few new faces. that's a nice start... two of them stand out from the rest and i swear i didn't think twice before engraving their names in THE LIST. i was happy seeing some ppl like and able to accept the ME i'm comfortable with. ok fine.. i was skeptical.. i was pessimistic.. i was insecure.. i was naive.. i was.. all the negative lah! circle of friends widened like... SUDDENLY!!!!

eh! panjang jugak eh... dah penat bace ke blom? di sini dah malas nak meleret.

ok! point form! wakaka!

my life turned colurful
muslimah night with more new faces and those two sweeties
foc with the two sweeties and more familiar faces plus a few newbies
on trial with a new friend, so far.. like what i see
maybe another name on THE LIST soon enough
my name is now a cheer. haha! tanks to some TPJCians. =p

silent in my heart, despite the many beautiful things that has happened, i'm fighting one battle that does not see an end nearby. the new friends have hints of the battle.. they can't help much but they have and are still doing all that they could. it is in times like this that i miss zurie. she's my only solace. she's my other, just like how ogre and shreka complement each other.

this, i quote from ogre: "it's like a 180 degrees turn!" so explains the events that has led me to where i am now. i can't wait for the new sem to begin. have a lot of catching up to do due to solemn SEM 1. but... hey! i'm geared up!

BRING IT ON!!!!!!!

aku kene arrow

2007-05-30T04:57:00.000-07:00

aku kene sabo
tu kalau nak kata cara kurang ajar lah

awal-awal lagi aku dah tanya
"ader aper-aper yg aku boleh buat dulu?"
"siap-siap skt ker..."

maklumlah... aku tahu tanggungjawab aku. seram jugak. jadik, biler aku free dulu, boleh aku prepare skt-skt.

tapi tak.... dier ckp
"oh! don worry. i'll update you if there's any."

jadik... aku tunggu lah...

den, aku rasa gelisah.

aper ke tidak! date nak dekat, maseh tkder update satu pon?!?!?!

so..... aku tanyer lagik.

tapi.. dier jawab.
"i'll update you if there's any."

bengang jugak... seram ke tahap kritikal.

nak blast kat dier, tak brani...

dier besar, aku terkecik sikit.

den... finally! update!

"pls attend the prep course... blah.. blah..blah.."

they will give you everything there.

aku.. OK GO!

time check... 3 days left.

den.....

BAM!

aku sorang jer yang buat SEMUA.

135 monyet berkeliaran.
2 hari berturut-turut.

AKU SORANG!

giler!?!?!?!?!

den...

BAM LAGIK!!!!!!

resources belom siap. dorang tak tau. tkder org bilang.
den aku dah bilang, dorang kater tak cukup time.

skarang....

at least...(Alhamdulillah)
aku ader time skt lagik.

and...

ader lagi satu org sudi tolong aku.

aku hanya berusaha sedaya kemampuan...

yg laen.........

tawakal jer lah yer...

MUSLIMAH NIGHT

2007-05-23T21:03:00.000-07:00

CHECK THIS WEBSITE OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PASS AROUND THIS INFO TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSSIBLE!!!!!!!!!

http://www.muslimahnight.blogspot.com

IT'S GONNA BE FUN!!!!!!!!! SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!

OH WAIT...... FEMALES ONLY!

people say

2007-05-14T00:58:00.000-07:00

pelik ah...

i only said that someone likes me.
i didn't say anything about my part.

but they somehow managed to come up
with some cheesy story about the two of us.

alah mcm yg dlm drama hindustan.
you like me, i like you, we ok go, den kiss in the rain
dat kind of thing.

rosak hidup aku
sebab cerita mcm ini lah.

haiz... kawan.. kawan...
What else can i say.

Blind.

2007-05-11T01:49:00.000-07:00

12 moons passed the night sky
Yet...
My dream hasn't begun.

Eyes shut tight all the time
Fear...
I might miss a moment of it.

When it happens, that is.

I didn't know it all along
Blinded...
By the deep sleep I put myself into.

That My dream...
The one I have long waited for...
Has been playing right in front of me.

It has...
Past 150 suns.
2 big typhoons.
Countless pretty fields.

I was there...
But...
I couldn't see.

How could I be so stupid?
To leave my eyes closed!

But...

I was even more shocked.
That...
So was my heart.

Now, who closed that?
Not me, I know!

Wait...

I didn't, did i?

Raped!

2007-05-01T15:06:00.000-07:00

i feel Raped!
never had the intention.
i liked them the way they were.
it looked fake when it's natural.

i came for something else.
it's my face, the skin on it.
tat's what i came for.
not this!

and u didn't write it down.
i read again, maybe i've missed it out.
but NO! u didn't!
and i had to pay with a heavy heart!

still...
I didn't complain.
coz i know... u didn't know.
to you, it's harmless...

you didn't know...
that to me, it's BAD!

now, everywhere i go...
i TRY my hardest to hide them.
what once i could walk ard freely with...
are now threats of unjust statements coming my way!

some noticed them still...
i can't stop them...

all i know....
i didn't do it.

But still...

I feel RAPED!

that You plucked MY eyebrows!
When all i wanted was a facial...

*sobs*

who am i?

2007-04-20T09:12:00.000-07:00

it has indeed been a very loooooooooong time since i've updated my blog.

kalau nak katerkan takder pa-per nak update, bohong besar tu. tapi ntah lah eh.. kebelakangan ini, aku ini rasa macam malas dengan diri sendiri.

malas nak layan kerenah sendiri.

malas nak pikiak isu2 yg tak habis2.

malas dgn diri yg selalu anggap diri ni diri yg malang skali.

MALAS!!!!!!

lantas, aku elakkan diri ini daripada merakamkan segala pancaroba yang aku hadapi. aku paksa diri ini untuk duduk diam buat seketika, bisu dan pekak buat setengah jam, dan imbas kembali apa-apa yang diri ini anggap 'malang'.

sudahkah diri ini lupa tentang sebab turunnya masalah?

aku tak lupa!

tapi diri ini seringkali buat aku rasa yang aku tak layak menerima dugaan ini semua.

BODOH!

aku tahu diri ini BODOH untuk berfikiran begitu!

dan disebabkan itulah... aku STOP seminit (have i told you tat i can't tell time?) drp menulis segala isi hatiku.
semua yang aku alami, aku telan dan menerimanya seadanya. pada waktu yg sama, aku turut memohon ampun drpNya atas kejahilanku, from dulu2 sampailah skarang.

kini... prinsip aku begini...

'semua kan ada hikmahnyaaaaa...' (amacam? familiar gitukan kan kan!)

Dah lah! tmr... actually no! later today, ader exam! SELAMAT MAJU diJAYAkan oleh Milo!

~diri ini pasrah~

tanpa kekasihku

2007-03-22T02:14:00.000-07:00

malam begitu gelap
hujan tak juga reda
ku harus menyaksikan
cintaku terrenggut tak terselamatkan

ingin ku ulang hari
ingin ku perbaiki
kau sangat ku butuhkan
beraninya kau pergi dan tak kembali

di mana letak syurga itu
biarku gantikan tempatmu dengan ku
adakah tangga syurga itu
biarku temukan untuk bersamamu

ku biarkan senymku
meneri di udara
biar semua tahu
kematian tak mengakhiri cinta

apakah ertinya hidup
tanpa kekasihku
percuma ku ada di sini.

2006-12-29T09:35:00.000-08:00

I've been sitting here
Watching the days go by
Everything has come and gone
Yet you still haven't arrived.

This heart mends its own wounds.
Done by me, him, not you.
This heart yearns to stop hurting
And feel your love, soft and true.

Many a times I have been deceived
By the people I have seen
Thinking its you, I spread my wings
Only to be shot and left bleeding.

Now, after long I have wait
I think I see you near me
This heart speaks a foreign language
That makes my heart feel at peace.

Come to me, for I see you looking
Turn here, for I am around the corner
Talk to me for I see you smiling
Love me for my wait is over.

(Dedicated to the person who has captured my heart in school.)

Biarlah Rahsia

2006-11-13T18:48:00.000-08:00

Pernahkah kau Bermimpi Seketika
Berada Di Tempatku
Membayangkan Pahit Manis Berlalu
Entah Siapa Yang Tahu

Mungkin Nanti kau Jua Merasakan
Berdepan dengan Kata Menyesakkan
Takkan Tugumu Kebal
Tiada Pertimbangan

Keheningan Malam Membangunkan
Kepayahan Jiwa Meluahkan
ANDAI KAU JUJUR MEMAHAMI
TIADA KU MENJAUHI

Dan Kisahku Yang Masih Panjang
Menambahkan Berat Yang Memandang
LANTAS KU PENDAM
KU PUTUSKAN BIARLAH RAHSIA

Semakin Aku Hidup Dalam Cinta
Tiada Kuasa Mampu Menghalangnya
HENTIKAN KATA-KATA
BERTULANGKAN DUSTA

Pernah Kau Bermimpi Seketika
Berada Di Tempatku.

how are you?

2006-10-16T10:03:00.000-07:00

A: " Hello. How are you?"

B: " How am I? How am I? You're asking me how I am? I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, was 10 mins late for my practical lesson, had a boring time with my instructor of whom i could not click with but can't change cars, went out without powder on my face, had haze for breakfast, lunch and dinner and i'm really feeling the high of it,went to school in a non-air conditioned bus and reached school in a mess coz the wind distorted my scarf and my back was all drenched with my own pespiration, suddenly realized that i am 5 days away from the date line of my 2000 words essay and also realizing that i have procrastinated too long, chatted about NP and spoilt my mood for the day, had a 15 mins graded assignment and wrote crap, finished school at 7 and buka with green tea only, had to wait for another 151 coz the first bus was non-air conditioned and packed, got the second bus 15 good mins after that, tried to watch 'so you think you can dance' on tv mobile but had to fight with the bobbling head of the person in front of me and bad reception, was relieved when he person cleared my view only to be greeted with another bobbling head, had to strain my neck to the left, the right, sideways, and eventually resigning to just sleep when i was hit by neck pain and headache, reached hougang close to 9 and unable to feel my own butt, had to run after 27 to go home, am finally relieved that today's over but dread again when i received a reminder msg abt tmr's post mortem on the failed iftar which starts at 6 and that means i have to buka in school again and have 2 free hours before the mtg alone for i have not many friends in school as yet. how am i? this is how I am? but i'm fine. ya. i'm fine. thank you for asking. How abt you?"

A: "Err... it's ok. I need to go now. Bye."

B: "Oh. ok..."

My point from this entry is..... the definiton of phatic communication is asking questions which are supposed to be rhetoric. In this case, "How are you?" should be answered with "Fine, thank you." More is vulgar.

wat's today?

2006-10-15T07:11:00.000-07:00

raya's coming real soon. that means ramadan is nearing the end and the syaitans will al come back to haunt all of us again!!!!! argh!!!! well, i do hope tat the rehab i got during ramadan is of gd use and has strengthened my will to fight evil.

anyway... today's sunday! me, my mom, and sometimes, my sis, we sat down in the kitchen to do kuih tart since 9am! (my recipe! i did the dough!... kg after kg, uli punyer uli... terap punyer terap we finished the whole thing (3kg today) at 6. nice man!!!!

while i was so engrossed in doing the adunan, i suddenly tot abt the cooking skills i already have. den, i decided to do a checklist. so here it is...

AT THE AGE OF 19, I AM ABLE TO..

1) bake meat casserole
2) bake chilled apricot pie
3) cook sweet spicy chicken
4) cook ayam masak lemak cili padi
5) bake kuih tart
6) anyam ketupat
7) cook scrambled cheese egg to perfection.
8) cook up caramel pudding
9) bake double choc cookies
10) cook lemon fish

and tat's on top of the basics of masak air, masak bubur, masak nasi, and hanguskan nasi! wakaka!

the road is still long. there are still many recipes of my grand-dad tat i haven't mastered. and i ahven't learnt my dad's speciality - chicken rice and nasi briyani dam!!!! he's great at both! my mom's kiuh's expertise too!!!! hope to add say another..... at least 5 more to the list before i turn 27 or before i settle down (whichever comes first)

with this, i have an announcement to make... HARGA AKU DAH NAIK AH!!!!! SAPER NAK AKU, KENE BUKTIKAN KELAYAKANNYA!!! haha! joking!!!! who wants, pergi ketok pintu BAPAK aku! now, tat's for real.

escapemonos

2006-09-29T02:17:00.000-07:00

Escapémonos tan lejos de aquí
Distantes de todo
En la oscuridad donde no haya más
Que ver en tus ojos

Escondámonos de la multitud
Del absurdo día a día
Donde todas esas cosas que perturben
No estén más en nuestras vidas, en nuestras vidas

Para que estemos solos amor
Y el universo se nos quede en un abrazo
Donde se esfumen esas dudas
Y esos miedos que nos quedan del pasado

Para que estemos solos amor
En un día sin fin
Sin preocuparnos más
Del que podrán decir
Donde durmamos abrazados
Y si entonces nos sorprende el amanecer
Saber que estás ahí
Que estamos solos

Escapémonos por necesidad
Nos debemos tanto
Si el amor está, no hay porqué esperar
El donde o el cuando

Escondámonos de la multitud
Del absurdo día a día
Donde todas esas cosas que perturben
No estén más en nuestras vidas, en nuestras vidas

Para que estemos solos amor
Y el universo se nos quede en un abrazo
Donde se esfumen esas dudas
Y esos miedos que nos quedan del pasado

Para que estemos solos amor
En un día sin fin
Sin preocuparnos más
Del que podrán decir

~~~~~~~~~""~~~~~~~~~~

Let's escape far away from here
Distant from everything
In the darkness where nothing else exists
But looking in your eyes

Let's hide from the crowd
From the day to day absurdities
Where all these disturbing things are
No longer in our lives

So that we are alone, my love
And the universe embraces us
Where those doubts and those fears
That we have left in the past will disappear

So that we are alone, my love
In an endless day
With no worries
About what the others might say

Where we sleep holding each other
And if the sunrise surprises us
Knowing that you are there
Reassures me that we are alone

Let's escape for necessity
We owe it to each other so much
If the love is there, there is no need to wait
Wherever or whenever

So that we are alone, my love
And the universe embraces us
Where those doubts and those fears
That we have left in the past will disappear

So that we are alone, my love
In an endless day
With no worries
About what the others might say.

falling for you... jem.

2006-08-24T23:07:00.000-07:00

falling for you
Said there'd be no going back
Promised myself I'd never be that sad
Maybe that's why you've come along
To show me, it's not always bad

Coz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so

It's true I've become a skeptic
How many couples really love
Just wish I had a crystal ball
To show me, if it's worth it all

Coz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so
Yeah I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so

And I've got to be sure
Coz it's been so long
And I cannot take the pain again
If it all goes wrong

Coz I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so
Yeah I can feel it, baby
I feel like I'm falling for you
But I'm scared to, let go
I'm scared coz my heart has been hurt so

I want you so much
I need you so much
I want you so much
I need you so much
[believe me my love
believe me my love]

It's always nice to find songs that truly describe my feelings. here's one that truly depicts the state my heart is in everytime i fall for a guy. and hence, i tend to just appreciate and adore from afar. i can't call it mine.. not that fortunate... that's life, isn't it... some will be at the losing end. i'm one of them.

Pass You By

2006-08-13T04:49:00.000-07:00

She was like nothing I've ever known
Her eyes shine like diamonds in a field of snow
Man, that destiny led her to me
Made her feel that life was now complete
A thousand days have passed and nights gone by
You can see the glow slowly fading from her eyes
Though she denise her pain and her dismay
I said this to her anyway

Don't have to stay with someone that makes you cry
You'll end up killing all the love you have inside
Can't hope to see the sun in you if you don't open your eyes
Girl don't let real love pass you by

I know you're nervous but take it from me
'Cause you deserve so much more then you recieve
Listen to your heart and let it show
Don't hold onto your pain, just let it go

You can find the love you need
If you set your heart free
Don't have to stay (stay...) with someone (with no one...)
That makes you cry (that's gonna makes you cry...)
(ohhh no) Don't be (don't be) discouraged baby (baby)
(don't let) Don't let real love pass you by

Hurt by Christina Aguilera

2006-08-09T01:48:00.000-07:00

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wanna do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I hurt myself by hurting you

Somedays I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I want to do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself

If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous!
It's so... I'm afraid to try to turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself

By hurting you

*Hurt by C.Aguilera*

The lyrics of this song has a deep meaning. I was extremely moved by it the very first time i heard it. This is dedicated to all those who have problems with their parents. This is one thing I strongly believe in... i live not only for myself, but for the people who brought me up- my parents. I would do anything to make them happy and pround of me. I will avoid anything, even the one that i have come to love, just so that i would not hurt them.

mom, dad.....

I LOVE YOU.

I CAN NEVER THANK YOU ENOUGH FOR BRINGING ME UP TO THE PERSON I AM TODAY.

Things to do today:
Show the people you love how much they mean to you before it's too late.

my book of love...

2006-07-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

how things can change within a split second... it never fails to catch me off-guard. i don't know what to feel anymore. i am lost for words to describe this emptiness, this confusion, this heavy feeling in my heart. i don't even know what i want.

this is not the first time this shit has happened to me. so i kinda know the stages. i know the outcome. and i know the aftermath. i'm so used to this that i can go through it with both eyes closed. but i dread going through this. i hate this.

but the other party is so determined to prove me wrong. the other party is so determined to come out from the battle, a battle that has made many lose hope and give in, victorious. this other party is the first idiot to do such thing. i can't do much but to let this other party give it a shot.

but i worry for this other party. i am pessimistic in this. i worry that he could not handle the many painful wounds should he still gets defeated. i worry that he would lose his balance on that thin line and fall into the bottomless pit below.

you see... the only thing that's driving him is his optimism.

on one side of the picture, i see something to envy about. he is the first guy who would do such a thing for me. and i want him to reach the end of the line, where i am waiting patiently, safe and still standing.

but on the other side of the picture, i see his spirit in peril. there are no safety nets below. no consolations. and i am not able to help him stand up again should he faulter. i am caged up at the end of the line. only he can uncage me.

in my book of love, ther are two routes one can take to my heart. only those who are of a certain standard will be able to feel the easy and guaranteed path to my heart. so far, none were qualified for this. but i'm entering a place where the possibilty of finding that one qualified person is high. the judges are all geared up for this. they tolerate no distractions at all from anywhere.

but this other party here is braving through the undesirable path. it's a long and difficult path. it's designed to make victory from this path near impossible. this other party has to stomach all the pain and torture alone. i am not allowed to help. that is the hardest part for me. i can't bear to just sit and watch the one who loves me so weathering all the turmoils in his path to win me. but there is nothing i can do to ease the burden that's nailing him down. the judges are exceptionally stringent on people who walk this path, making things more difficult than they already are. knowing the unbounded disappointment and unbearable wretchedness that is in store for those in this path, i am more than willing to let go of these people. that is the only thing i could do for them in the name of love.

but this other party here is different. he doesn't understand defeat until the very end.

i just pray for the best for him. may he have the strength to endure the obstacles. but the other path, the desirable one, is still wide open. hopefully he can reach the end of the race and win me before there's competition for should there be a competition between the two paths, i'm afraid the results are obviously against the favour of the undesirable.

the decision lies in the hands of the judges.

this is the whole truth about the book of love that i was pre-determined to live by. nothing said or done can change the rules of this game. play along or give it up.

the end.

Timeless

2006-07-21T22:43:00.000-07:00

Baby come close let me tell you this
In a whisper my heart says you know it too
Baby we both share a secret wish
And you feel my love reaching out to you

Timeless
Don’t let it end (no)
Now that you’re right here in my arms where you should stay
Hold tight baby
Timeless
Don’t let it fade out of sight
Just let the moments sweep us both away
Lifting us to where
We both agree
It's just timeless love

I see it all baby in your eyes
When you look at me I know I feel it too (yes I do)
So let's sail away and be forever baby
Where the crystal ocean melts into the sky
We shouldn’t let the moment pass
Making me shiver let’s make it last
Why should we lose it don’t ever let me go

Timeless
Baby its timeless
Oh baby its timeless

Timeless
Don’t let it fade out of sight
Just let the moments sweep us both away
Lifting us to where
We both agree
It’s just timeless
It’s just timeless

Love

Heaven Knows

2006-07-18T20:22:00.000-07:00

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake till
I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know

And though she's far away
It just keeps gettin stronger
everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on
So tell me where do I start
Cause it breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will
Find their way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

My friends keep tellin me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in kind
I'll know she's mine
So tell me where do I start
Cause it breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our heart will
Find their way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

Why I live in despair
'Cause wide awake or
Dreaming
I know she's never there
And all this time I act so brave
I'm shaking inside
Why it does hurt me so

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our heart will
Find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our heart will
Find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

Heven knows.....

Kai... I will come back if we're meant to be. Trust me, just this once. ILU.

trust and openness

2006-07-16T18:16:00.000-07:00

A friendship built on trust and openness, that is the kind of friendship i want. everything else falls second.

All this while, I wondered how some of my beautiful friendships can be such a bliss. today, after a moment of soul searching, i managed to capture the essence of it in two words- trust and openness.

19 years of my existence and i thought that'trust' was the only important factor in any relationship. however, i discovered a downfall to it. despite the trust between us, i faced many disputes with my friends. When our opinions clashes, voicing out can lead to offending the other's feelings, thus, sparking off a fight. but keeping disagreements to oneself is just as bad as these resentments tend to build up in us. it is only a matter of time before either party blows his top off. Either way, both parties are at a loss and the relationship will not be as picturesque as before. therefore, the ability to voice out our truthful opinion (politely, of course) and the ability to resolve disputes while maintaining harmony are two very crucial skills one needs to hone in order to keep a friendship going. What's certain is that there shouldn't be any from of grudge bearing once the dispute has been dissolved.

i am lucky to have found a few of these people, people who have decorated my life with such beautiful friendship. this entry is dedicated to them....

-the withches.
-Adamartini
-zurie
-dez

not forgetting the newest and the only torn amoung the roses.....

-kai

Some eye opening scenarios

2006-07-09T18:23:00.000-07:00

I received a forwarded mail from one of my witches- will. it's about how we treat the people around us. They serve as a reminder to us as, being humans, we tend to forget the nitty gritty things that really matters. Here's a copy of it. Do take some time to read and reflect.

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor
gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student
and had breezed through the questions until I read
the last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the
cleaning woman several times. She was tall,
dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question
blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if
the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers,
you will meet many people. All are significant. They
deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her
name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at11:30 p.m., an older African American
woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway
trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had
broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally
unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man
took her to safety, helped her get assistance, and
put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his
address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a
knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a
giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A
special note was attached..

It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway
the other night. The rain drenched not only my
clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along.
Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying
husband's bedside just before he passed away... God
bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving
others."

Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those
who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less,
a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and
sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in
front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and
studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the
waitress was growing impatient.

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on
the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice
cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress
came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the
table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish,
were two nickels and five pennies..

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had
to have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a
roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if
anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the
king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by
and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the
King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did
anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of
vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the
peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the
stone to the side of the road. After much pushing
and straining, he finally succeeded. After the
peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed
a purse lying in the road where the boulder had
been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note
from the King indicating that the gold was for the
person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The
peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve
our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a
hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who
was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only
chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had
miraculously survived the same disease and had
developed the antibodies needed to combat the
illness. The doctor explained the situation to her
little brother, and asked the little boy if he would
be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a
deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will
save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in
bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did,
seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his
face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a
trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the
doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his
sister all of his blood in order to save her.

**Nice eh... i have to admit that i am guilty of some, especially the name thing(Lesson 1). I face difficulties in remembering people's names, even though some of them are very significant to me. It is a problem i face since sometime in the middle of sec 3. Effort is put in to better this flaw of mine but in the midst of it, i hope the affected people are able to bear with me.**

Now, for the main reason why i'm here...

The mail above was ended with 3 sets of words of wisdom. One of them is too 'wise' for me to believe in the possibility of it.

"Work like you don't need the money."
ok... i can accept that. It's a good principle to live by. I do believe that the world has more than enough money-minded people tarnishing the goodness of mankind. The world is short of sincere people, people who do things for the sole reason of benefitting others and making the world a better place. Sadly, pressed down by the ever so strong pressure to excel and be successful just to survive, many people tend to sway towards materialism for it is those things that proves your deserving of the status you hold. The world now is a crazy place. People compete with each other for the best certs, the best jobs, the best seats, the best of everything. Some resort to backstabbing, some prefer ball carrying, or a nicer way to put it, apple polishing. Friends are, in reality, all time rivals. All in the name of securing a place in the material world. What, then, is the meaning of enjoying life? That brings me to the next quote...

"Dance like you do when nobody's watching."
True... Life's short and everything you do should be done to it's very best aka to your satisfaction so that one can move on with no regrets, whether or not the results of his attempts are desirable. In order to achieve this, one cannot afford to be self-conscious to the extent that he behaves the way people want him to and not how he chooses. This is one principle i hold strongly and thus, i'm enjoying every bit of my life.

BUT...

"Love like you've never been hurt."
When i read this, my first thought was 'Ya, right...Like that's ever going to happen.' Maybe this person's just trying to be optimistic and inspirational but i think he's trying a little too hard coming up with THIS! Every attempt in a relationship bring significant impact in me, impact that are cemented the moment they hold a place in my heart. These impacts 'guide' me to the relationship of my dreams. I have to remember all the hurt and the painful break ups to deter me from guys like that. Sounds unfair to the other party but wat the hell do i care! if my heart gets hurt, i'm the one who has to mend it. Not anyone else. So, how on earth do I love like i've never been loved? I want to be loved. I want to finally find that someone who can love me for who I am and one whom I feel strongly for. But I cannot let go of the hurt I've felt before. They're evidence that I've gone throught hard times and deserve a good one.

Or maybe it's only because I haven't found the one whom I can entrust my heart to. I haven't found the one who can make me feel assured enough to let go of all my insecurities. Will there ever be one who can fit into this fundamental criteria?

I don't know. From what I've seen so far, there isn't any sign of such person anymore. They no longer exist. As what I always say... they're either dead or taken up by other more fortunate girls.

But...

Although thinned, my hope in finding one is still there. I'm still young. I haven't seen everything yet or at least enought for me to give up and resign to fate.

Everyone has one goal set as the ultimate goal. It's a goal that is normally the hardest for one to attain (depending on individual calibre). It is also one goal that, once achieved, will make one's life feel complete and nothing else really matters.

My one goal is to find this soul partner, the one whom i meet all the time in my dreams. The one who reflects the characteristics of my father. The one who is able to make me as happy as my parents.

I know he's out there...

But what I don't know is whether he's looking for me...

Or maybe he's given up.

So...

Until I find this one person, that line up there, the one in inverted commas, is impossible. For me, at least.

some words that clears the murky water

2006-07-09T03:53:00.000-07:00

i feel it again! this sucky feeling.. it's back! says:
wat is tis feeling?
:+**D@rren**+: -* says:
well its difficult to say yah
:+**D@rren**+: -* says:
it could just be a natural expression of your caring nature
:+**D@rren**+: -* says:
(which is not a bad thing eh?)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
i feel it again! this sucky feeling.. it's back! says:
i'm fickle. even if i like something now, it might not be the same ltr.
:+**D@rren**+: -* says:
then you'll have to learn how to love yourself, wartdhs and all
:+**D@rren**+: -* says:
otherwise, you'll live a life full of regrets
:+**D@rren**+: -* says:
remember, in everything that you do, no regrets.
i feel it again! this sucky feeling.. it's back! says:
even if the whole thing turns out wrong, i shouldn't regret?
:+**D@rren**+: -* says:
nope. it's 50-50 remember. it's not always your fault, your responsibility.
i feel it again! this sucky feeling.. it's back! says:
:)

i don't know...

2006-07-08T08:50:00.000-07:00

i don't know...
why i feel what i felt just now.
my heart as though squeezed when i heard the news
my feet were suddenly rooted to the ground.

i don't know...
why i went to all extent to get there.
hailed a cab, supposedly till tamp
but eventually rushed all the way with it.

i don't know...
why it hurts me so to see you like that.
holding back tears hearing your cries of pain
that i had to look away many times.

i don't know...
why my hands were trembling as i watched you.
that i had to hold you tight, not wanting to let go
both to calm you down and stop me from trembling.

i don't know...
why i can do so much with so little.
days old friendship suddenly became so dear
when just a few moments ago, you're only a friend to me.

i don't know...
how to explain this feeling.
it's weird, funny and... i don't know!
and i don't know why...

i don't know why....

i really don't...

i don't know why i want this feeling to stay...

ya... i want this feeling to stay.

a happy day...

2006-07-06T17:33:00.000-07:00

my relationship with my parents are better now...

i can't say anything except that i'm awfully glad to have them as my parents.
misunderstanding is inevitable in any kind of realtionship, no matter how smooth sailing it had been all along. the only way to safeguard the relationship in times like this is to constantly be patient and compromising. if the relationship is true, it will be able to withstand the tension and even become stronger after that.

enough said...

i love you, mom&dad.

no matter what happens...

i'm proud of you...

and i live to make you proud of me.

love you loads!!!!!!!!!!!

what a day

2006-07-04T20:37:00.000-07:00

yesterday was a day i could not decipher. none of the events that happened the moment i reached home made sense.

when i reach home, my mom was mad at me for breaking fast. that was understandable and thus, i stood silent when she scolded me. nothing wrong about that.

i went into the room, put away my bag and removed my scarf. i was too tired to take a shower first, so i rested for a while. my dad came in and started telling me off for resting. having been tired at that point of time,i didn't really bother about his words.

it was prayer time. my dad told me to pray first before i do anything else. as i approached the washroom, my mom told me to send a quick e-mail to some org pertaining to a job position she's interested in. i did it, my dad saw, and scolded me. i tried to tell him that it was a short one and mom was the one who wanted me to do it. he didn't care about any of them and remained to his stand. the blind accusations were getting on my nerves by then. but i tried to keep it down, not wanting to spark off a fight btw my parents and i.

after prayers, my dad was watchin tv. i joined in, trying to start off a small conversation just to see if he's ok. no response. it hurts but, as a daughter, it has already been emphasized on me that in all situations, i am in the wrong. so i kept my hurts to myself.

my mom went out of the room. she saw me there. my grandfather,who was in the kitchen, just finished his dinner and was washing his plates. my mom scolded me for not helping my grandfather.i saw that as a deliberate attempt to find faults in me coz nobody in the house washes the plates of others unless they happen to eat at the same time or the dishes came with a load of other utensils (pots, pans, etc). i, confused at her claim and very hurt by the many fault findings by then, went to the kitchen only to see nothing in the sink. i was trying very hard to fight back my tears by then. i am a daughter. my parents have the right to do such things to me... but why?

my mom saw the hurt look on my face and said 'what? i can't say anything to you without making you hurt, is it?' it's a line that means she doesn't like me being older and arrogant. more confused and hurt than i already am, i went into my room.

in my room, i stood quietly alone thinking if i have done anything very wrong to them. couldn't think of any that would give them an excuse strong enough to do such things to me. but i stood with the stand. i'm a daughter. whatever it is, i am in the wrong. and i will be the one who has to apologize.

mom entered the room,sarcastically apologized for hurting me, and immediately told me to go out and carry on watching tv. i rejected for i already had no mood to do so by then. who, in the right state of mind, wouldn't? she insisted and told me that i'm disrupting her dinner. i stood firm, also coz i know grandfather is out there and i don't want him to see me this way. she was pissed and said 'that's it, you will not hear anything from me from now on'.... just because i didn't want to watch tv, she didn't want to talk to me... how did that happen?

i couldn't hold it back. tears started flowing willingly down my cheeks. for a moment, i just let it out. i cried to my heart's content till i was satisfied. after which, i took my abolution and prayed, hoping that God will give me strenght to go through this ordeal.

after prayers, i went into my parents room and waited for mom to come out from the washroom. once she was out, i took her hand and kissed it. she tried to refuse but gave in unwillingly. it was a brief moment. she pulled her hand away and left the room. i swallowed that in...

that night, i talked it out to a friend on the phone. stay strong, don't think too much about it and comforting words were showered to me. then we played a game called the intelligence game. it lightened up the whole atmosphere for a while. after the conversation, i felt slightly better and fell asleep.

today, i was hoping my parents were feeling better as well. i got ready for work as quickly as i could so that i could steal some time to takl to them before i left for work. but when i wanted to leave for work, i searched the whole house... they had left. i didn't even get the chance to kiss their hands, a practice i never missed. they never left without saying bye. today, they did.

now, as i am recalling the incident and typing it in through my office's com, i still have to fight my tears back. what big sin have i done to deserve all this? i should stop here for if i were to start thinking about this, i would have to enter my next class with swollen eyes.

mom & dad, if you happen to read this, answer my questions. i don't know what the heck is going on!!!!!!!

a different point of view

2006-07-02T09:59:00.000-07:00

been involved in SYF for the last few trainings. My AC requested for my help so i went down. It was my 3rd HQ involvement since i became a CI, first being Police Day in 200* and next being the National Day Parade in 2004. All have been really great experiences, especially the most recent one.

One reason is because i get to make new friends from other areas. it's called networking and that's CRUCIAL in any organization. I made a tonne of friends from A9 through SYF. very friendly bunch i must say... except for one tiny girl of whom i find scary to approach in the first place...... haha!

if it is any lessons that i have brought home with me after my experience with the other areas, it would be the importance of opening up to changes and exposing oneself to the cultures of other areas.

this is one thing my area lacks. i seriously do not know if i should put this online but i hope that, if they were to read this, they would, for the first time, really think and CHANGE, instead of taking it as a form of criticism and remaining RIGID forever.

it's a sad fact that my area is being controlled by the old birds... no offence to them as i do understand their intention is to guide the new CIs which is not wrong at all... but i don understand why the newbies listen to them and ONLY them. anything dat comes from those from other areas are downright TRASH and their act of voicing out as an insult to the area's CULTURE. as a result, the area REFUSES to change. STAGNATION is the word. they don't ask for help. they expect ppl to come to them, ask wat they need and then cater to it. debrief sessions are simply a battle ground for ppl to point fingers. and yr after yr, last yr's faults are repeated coz it's the TRADITION. they're hostile and have bad perceptions on the CIs from other areas even BEFORE they step foot into the area, and still expect them to be nice and cow down to the area's RULES AND REGULATION. if these ppl don cow down, many attempts will be made to THROW them out of the area.

the new CIs from other area also suck coz the only thing that comes across their minds is that the area CMI and should not be entertained. thus, it's always a matter of proving who's right and wrong. things don get done... cadets see the ever so OBVIOUS SPLIT btw the CIs and some even join in the play and side their favs. it's all abt WHO CAN COMPLAIN BETTER, TRAITORSHIP, SHOOTING, AND OUTCASTING.

when i see the way A9 bond and mingle HAPPILY wif CIs from other areas, i feel an enormous sense of envy and disappointment. i envy the way they are able to enjoy each other's company wif no prejudice and SERVE THE CORPSE in a more memorable way. they STAND UP for ALL in their area, no matter how distant they can actually be. all comments are taken as a learning point and everything NPCC related are handled PROFESSIONALLY. no personal matters dragged in. no POWER STRUGGLE.

i understand that all areas have their respective cultures cultivated. but that does not mean that it should be used as an excuse to STAY THE SAME. wat more if some areas of the culture are WRONG. it's causing detriments to the cadets, the unit and the area. but no... that's not war they all are up for... wat they want is power. they (the oldies) want to hold on to the power to influence the new minds to think alike... so that wat they have built will not be overrunned and they will be able to spread their WINGS OF INFLUENCE.

this shit sucks man! was offered to join other areas... didn't want to really, looking at the state of my OWN AREA, i knew they needed me more. but when i'm here, they don want to chg... they want to stay the same. now, am really considering of a transfer after HOBTC. i am sick of power struggle and i am SICK OF BEING TOLD TO BE THE ONE TO BACKSTAB! i don train myself to be a CI to do this f***** up junk!

NOW, I'VE SET MY MIND TO THESE....

1)improve myself (skills and all)********
2)go for HOBTC
3)den decide wat to do and where to go.

should i have offended any party in this entry, please accept my sincerest apology. at no point of time did i want to deliberately cause hurt. but reality has to come to light for things to happen and for CHANGE TO TAKE PLACE.

I hate being in the middle

2006-06-14T04:26:00.000-07:00

I hate being in the middle as that would mean that i have both parties to side on
When i can see, from my side of the story....
They can unite.

I hate being in the middle as that would mean that i am the messenger
When i can see, from my side of the story....
They can speak for themselves.

I hate being in the middle as that would mean that i know both truths
When i can see, from my side of the story....
They are blinded by farce.

I hate being in the middle as that would mean that i have to divide my love
When i can see, from my side of the story....
They can all have it fully.

I hate being in the middle

Cause i know, deep in my heart....

It can all be different.

They can....

Stand on common ground
Form a solid communication media
Share and solve problems together
Love each other unconditionally

It's painful to see them apart
Angst caused by untrue perceptions
Criticizing without understanding
Hating without trying to love
Closing all doors shut without peeping through the window first

From my side of the story....

I see this bridge.

A simple bridge.

Easily erected.

And all these bottled up feelings can flow.

Making what all of us have been, are and will be patrioting for

A more beautiful thing.

I see this bridge

but....

one sad fact is

i am good in imagining things.

Nonetheless.....

I hope and pray....

That one day....

This nightmare would end.

and a better story unfolds.

Till then....

i stay silently here- in the middle.

I Surrender - Celine Dion.

2006-06-11T07:57:00.000-07:00

*this lyrics is dedicated to my fellow NPCC collegues in CVSS*

There's so much life I've left to live
And this fire is burning still
When I watch you look at me
I think I could find the will...

To stand for every dream
And forsake this solid ground
And give up this fear within
Of what would happen if they ever knew
I'm in love with you...

Cause I'd surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it too
We'd make it through...

A thousand dreams I still believe
I'd make you give them all to me
I'd hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender...

I know I can't survive
Another night away from you
You're the reason I go on
And now i need to live the truth...

Right now, there's no better time
From this fear I will break free
And I'll live again with love
And no they can't take that away from me
And they will see...

Cause I'd surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it too
We'd make it through...

A thousand dreams I still believe
I'd make you give them all to me
I'd hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender...

Every night's getting longer
And this fire is getting stronger
I'll swallow my pride
And I'll be alive
Can't you hear my call
I surrender all...

Cause I'd surrender everything
To feel the chance to live again
I reach to you
I know you can feel it too
We'd make it through...

A thousand dreams I still believe
I'd make you give then all to me
I'd hold you in my arms and never let go
I surrender...

Right here, right now
O give my life to live again
I'll break free, take me
My everything, I surrender all to you...

Right here, right now
O give my life to live again
I'll break free, take me
My everything, I surrender all to you...

The day when everything changed.

2006-06-07T03:18:00.000-07:00

Adventure Training Camp 2006.
Friday, 2 June to Sunday, 4 June.

This are the days that i shall never forget.
It is a day when the bad turns good..
The vague becomes clear...
Certainty is doubted...

I held the position of a Logistics in charge.
Nothing much to do really...
Other than preparing the necessary equipments..
I'm only on standby in case of a need for manpower.

Simple task...
But.
Boring to the core!

I was lucky enough to have the company of a few very nice souls...

My three NCOs
Daryl...
Nisa...
Linda...

And two other NCOs from HIHS...
Wanting and Jia Hao...

These kids were the reason i survived the 3 days camp...
Without them, i doubt i can make it through with nothing else except for self-entertainment. We shared jokes, crapped the night through, fight ants with water, burn the kitchen down, played Ji Gu Pa, and sit down and rot. Sounds Fun, Right!!!!
Well.... it was.

The sun was scorching hot througout the entire camp to the extent that my bottle had to be refilled every few hours. Although we had drinkable water in Ubin, there was one thing i have to make very clear.... THE WATER SUCKS! SUPER STRONG CHEMICAL TASTE! Thus, i ended up drinking less water than i should without even realizing it.

However, on Day 2, the weather was unbearable and JJ and I were in charge of an obstacle that's got not many shelters around, anything goes.... Suddenly, the chlorine-flavoured water tasted so good. We had to refill our bottles during every intervals of switching of cadets. There was seriously no room for us not to hydrate ourselves in such a deadly weather. For CIs on duty then, the whole day was spent grilling ourselves.

Day 3, as usual, the weather did not give in while I and 6 of my fellow collegues got busy accounting for all the logistics items. That was when i felt this throbbing pain in my head. That pain was the same pain i felt on the night of Day 1, but aggravated by the heat, it felt worse. I felt weak all of a sudden and my collegues were aware of it. What i didn't notice was that my face was, according to them, already pale by then. My sole intention was to get things done, go home and sleep the next week through. It seemed, afterall, like any other headaches i've had. So i wasn't very much alarmed by it.

Finally, it was time for us to walk back to Ubin Jetty. Dennis, JJ, and CK were all very caring towards me. They offered to carry my bags for me. I tried turning down their offer as i did not want to pose any burden upon them. All of us are equally tired and i don't think it is right to allow them to assist me when they themselves have their own things to carry.

CK walked with me throughout the journey. It was not until halfway through the walk that i started feeling as though i could not carry on any further. My actions don't syncronize with my thoughts. I was walking extremely slow but i thought i was brisk walking already. I could no longer walk in a straight line. Nonetheless, i simply saw them as a sign of me being just tired and chose to carry on with the walk.

But as i was nearing the jetty, i seriously could not keep myself up anymore. I pulled CK's sleeves and tried to use him as my support. He told me to stabalize my breathing, walk slowly and look up. But i could not slow down my breathing and that panicked me, and i could not hold my head up for long without feeling dizzy. The next thing i know, i was on the ground, unconscious. What happened next were unknown to me until CK recalled the whole incident to me.

*As told by CK*
He was shocked to even think straight. A few foreigners offered to help. Medic Officer Wei Qian (HIHS) came to the scene, followed by Dennis a few seconds later. They called my name repeatedly but my response was either slow or none. My pulse and breathing were weak. I stopped breathing on two accounts. Wei Qian gave me a wet kiss (rescue breathing) and they called the Police Coast Guards to evacuate me.
*As told by CK*

I started regaining control of my thoughts somewhere near the ambulance i guess... why guess? I could hear the things around me but i could not respond to them physically. They pushed me into an ambulance and then, for the first time in my life, i heard the sound of the siren blaring just for me. nice eh....

They sent me to CGH where i remained 'asleep' for another 3+++ hours. The doc who attended to me was strange. He was amused at how my eyes tend to roll up when my eyelids were opened. I guess he stood by my side, doing the same thing for a good 10 mins. Then he poked something sharp into my ears, one at a time, and sprayed cold water into them. That made me feel even more dizzy momentarily. The worst part was....... in an attempt to wake me up, he spread WASABE all over my mouth!!!!!!!! It was on my teeth and on my tongue! I knew it was wasabe but i couldn't swallow or spit them out! I tried to tell myself to do it but my body just didn't respond! So for the next few hours, i remained tortured by the hot wasabe and started drooling them out! Even that was beyond my control! The nurses noticed me drooling and decided to clean it up for me. But when they realized that i was already drooling more than we (the nurses and i) had expected, they left me, with the tissue somewhere beside me, behind. I have never felt so helpless and 'abused' before. haha!

When i woke up, the doc told me that i suffered from heat stroke and psychological coma.... it was bacause of the latter that i stayed 'asleep' for hours. He said that i could hear what the people around me were saying but, due to the after effect of heat stroke, i was too weak to respond. oh, btw, i woke up 3 mins earlier than what was estimated by the doc. that 3 mis saved me from being admitted. HENG AH!!!!!! I seriously do not want to worry both my family and collegues further by being admitted.

I was discharged on that day itself and doc told me to rest well for the whole of next week. He told me to expect feeling lethargic throughout the whole week and drink lots of water....

well...

that should no longer be a prob as now, i have more flavours to choose from...

rose...

pink dolphine...

and the best ever...

pure, cold, PLAIN WATER!!!!!

i miss that so much!

Kasih Sayang Seorang Kakak

2006-05-22T18:41:00.000-07:00

Kasih sayang seorang kakak
Tidak berbatas, tidak bertara
Sayangnya mencurah-curah
Ibarat air terjun yang tidak terputus

Kasih sayang seorang kakak
Sangat memaafkan, sangat penyabar
Semua silap diampunkan
Tiada perlunya kata maaf

Kasih sayang seorang kakak
Tidak ternilai, tidak terbeli
Sedia mengetepikan kehendak sendiri
Demi keperluan adik tersayang

Kasih sayang seorang kakak
Ingin yang terbaik, ingin yang sempurna
Hati tak samapai melihatnya hancur
Marah dijadikan bahan ingatan

Jiwa seorang kakak
Sentiasa mengharapkan pelukannya
Sentiasa mendambakan ciumannya
Tiada kenal erti jemu

Inilah diari seorang kakak
Secebis nalurinya terbuka
Untuk difahamkan

Untuk adik yang satu...

Untuk adik yang tiada berganti...

Adik tercintaku,

Baca dan fahamkanlah, sayang...

I want to run to you

2006-05-03T18:48:00.000-07:00

I know that when you look at me
There's so much that you just don't see
But if you would only take the time
I know in my heart you'll find....

Oh all a girl's mistakes sometimes isn't always wrong
Can't you see the hurt in me? I feel so all alone...

I want to run to you, I want to run to you
Will you hold me in your arms and keep me safe from harm?
I want to run to you, But if i come to you
Will you stay or will you run away...

Each day, each day i play the role
Of someone always in control
But at night, i come home and turn the key
There's nobody there, no one cares for me...

I'm trying hard to find a dream...
Without someone to share it with,
Tell me what that means....

I want to run to you...

But if i come to you...

Tell me...

Will you stay?

Or will you run away?

The Change

2006-05-02T21:52:00.000-07:00

Now, the life i have now is different from just a few months back. It's filled with satisfactions, accomplishments, disappointments, and replacements. Some changes are hoped for whilethe rest are simply the worst tragedies i could ever thougght of.

Bad news first eh...

My ties with the first person who rendered h** help when i was still new has been severed to a point that, no matter how many sorries either parties try to say, it will never go back to the way we were before. Hurt, disappointment and anger were all that i can remember from the relationship i had. It is a sad to see how things have to end this way. Now, it is so hard to get behind the walls put up around h**.

Grief is a solitary thing. Despite having someone to comfort me after the fitt, despite having more than someone whose on my side of the league, my heart still hurts deeply whenever i set my eyes on h**. The sound of h** voice painfully reminded me of how sweet things were before all the screw ups. Previously, the room was all about fun, joy and excitement. Now, the walk up seems interminable, and the room is like a tomb.

In the midst of all the sadness, one hurdle, which was initially thought to be but a fantasy, has finally been overcomed. The dream of entering the University of my choice, NUS, has finally come true. I never thought i would be able to make it that far. Looking back at my childhood and the devil i used to be, nobody would even imagined it. it's been a week since the day i got the acceptance letter but until today, i wake up thinking that it is all a dream gone to far.

At this point, i have two feelings....

Overjoy.

Misery.

i miss her....

2006-04-13T19:56:00.000-07:00

sometimes...
i think to myself...
are friends really there for you all the time.

not that i am having any problems with my friends now.

all of them are great.
i love them...
i think fondly of them...

but that is exactly why i feel this way...

i have come to realize that the feelings that i have for some friends do not match the actual way our friendship is now.

we have become further apart...

partly because a once lost friend of the other has re-entered her life and made it the way it was before i came into the pic...

don get the wrong idea...

i am very happy for her.

but since the recovery of that friendship...

i can't seem to behave the way i used to whenever i'm with her...

i can no longer hug her... she would push me aside...

she never did that before... in fact, she used to love it. it's something comforting for all of us... me, her, and all my other friends...

whenever she was down... all i needed to do was to hug her tight when no words could help... and everything would be fine. the great power in that small gesture of care seems to have no more effect... not even a little.

she is no longer as excited to see me as i am to see her... she would just walk pass me the way a stranger would...

she never did that before... in fact, she used to scream out my name from at least 1 km away.... sometimes.. she would even give me a chase and hugged me from behind... i loved it alot... i really did.

previously, i could easily come up to her and do all these things without hesitation and would get the warmest reaction from her, one that touched my heart deeply and further cemented my fondness towards her....

now... i have to seek her permission first and would never get even the slightest bit of happiness from her...

it is sad to see this friendship the way it has become. everytime i see her, my heart ached for i know that now, there is a big wall separating us, a wall erected by an unknown... not her, i hope.

i hope and wish to believe that all these are the doings of nature... the result of time and distance.... plainly that...nothing more...

but...

i long for the good old days... i long for her love and care towards me... i long to shower her with the comfort i used to be capable of...

i miss her...

2006-04-13T19:55:00.000-07:00

A test I took with results that amazed me.

You're the official photographer!

We can see that you have more of an analytical mind than most people and that you're probably on hand to take record important events regardless of whether it is a wedding, graduation, or just the time when a group of friends came round for dinner.

This doesn't mean that you're herding people around in search of the perfect group photo, more that you think about the subjects more carefully than most. This attitude is also reflected in your personal life. We can't see you endlessly running blindly from task to task. It's not that you always take your time to do things properly, more that you think about the situation rather than just charging in to see what develops.

dia sudah matang

2006-02-21T03:50:00.000-08:00

adik aku sudah matang
pemikirannya amat aku kagumi
pandangannya terhadap isu-isu yang sama
namun jauh berbeza kupasannya

adik aku sudah matang
kebolehannya untuk mengawal perasaan
kalahkan aku 10 - 0
walaupun aku yang lebih tua

adik aku sudah matang
ketulusan hatinya tidak ternilai
pabila berhadapan dengan pria idaman
lautan sedalam manapun sanggup dia selami

adik aku sudah matang
dia licik, pintar dan sabar menanti
menanti gilirannya untuk bertindak
dan hapuskan musuhnya ke akhir titisan darah

adik aku sudah matang...

dan apabila aku bandingkan diriku samanya

aku kaget!

mungkinkah selama ini

aku belum matang lagi?

setelah apa yang aku lalui

aku tidak setaraf dengannya!

malah...

aku tercampak jauh ke belakang!!!

apa benar sangkaan aku??

bahawa aku

kakak pada adik matang ku itu

belum lagi matang?

aku takut...

takut dengan kemungkinannya...

aku takut...

takut sekali....

2006-02-15T08:07:00.000-08:00

''if you want to continue with the friendship, call/msg me tmr...

if not, just ignore me. i'll wait for your msg... ''

WAT THE HELL!!!

F*** OFF ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!

STOP GIVING ME STUPID OPTIONS!!!

STOP PUTTING ME IN ODD SITUATIONS!!!

STOP IT!!!

STOP IT!!!

STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I KNEW I SHOULD HAVE NEVER GIVEN YOU THAT SECOND CHANCE....

KNOWING THAT YOU WOULD DO THIS......
A-G-A-I-N!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

F*** OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!

foolish games

2006-02-15T07:40:00.000-08:00

you took your coat off
and stood in the rain
you're always crazy like that........

and i watch form my window
always felt i was outside
looking in on you...

you were always the mysterious one
with dark eyes and careless hair
you were fashionably sensitive
but too cool to care....

you stood in my doorway
with nothing to say
besides some comments on the weather...

in case you failed to notice
in case you failed to see
this is MY HEART!
BLEEDING before you!!!
THIS IS ME DOWN ON MY KNEES!!!!!!

these foolish GAMES
are TEARING ME APART
AND YOUR THOUGHTLESS WORDS
ARE BREAKING MY HEART
they're breaking my heart...

you're always brilliant in the morning
smoking your cigarette and talking over coffee
your philosophy on art. baroque moved you. you love mozart
and you think of your loved ones as i clumsily strum my guitar.

you teach me of honest things
this that were daring, things that were clean
things that i knew what an honest dollar did mean
i HID MY SOILED BARE HANDS BEHIND MY BACK
somewhere along the line, i must have gone off track with you...

EXCUSE ME
HAVE I MISTAKEN YOU FOR SOMEBODY ELSE?????
SOMEBODY WHO GIVES A DAMN!!!!!! SOMEBODY MORE LIKE MYSELF....

these FOOLISH GAMES
ARE TEARING ME!!!!!!
THEY'RE TEARING ME!!!!!!!!!
TEARING ME APART!!!!!!

and you're THOUGHTLESS WORDS
are BREAKING MY HEART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THEE'RE BREAKING MY HEART..........

i never knew the true meaning of the lyrics until i sang them with the accompaniment of my piano...

foolish games do tear hearts apart, set them on fire, burn them into ashes...

they can stab your hearts mercilessly

unfiltered words and actions....
like sharp tiny fragments of hot metal, piercing through your helpless heart!

i never knew the meaning until this moment.

the moment when i am left to slowly and painfully pull out the tiny fragments

alone....

all by myself...

it is a foolish game with deadly consequences.

i am well aware of it...

but...

i still play along...

ha!

foolish me...

2006-02-07T06:59:00.000-08:00

if the sky that we look on
should tumble and fall
or the mountain should crumble to the sea
i won't cry, no i won't
just as long as you stand by me....
stand by me.....

another summer day
has come and gone away
in paris and rome
but i want go home...
may be surrounded by
a million people
i still feel all alone
i want to go home...
let me go home.....

don't leave me in all this pain
don't leave me out in the rain
come back and bring back my smile
come and take this pain away
i need your arms to hold me tight
the night is so unkind
bring back the nights when i held you beside me....
unbreak my heart.....

there is something about the oreo

2006-01-22T17:34:00.000-08:00

there is something about the oreo
the one which once sat on your desk
my hopes and fantasies hidden beneath
the blue wrapper that i wished you had opened.

there is something about the oreo
the one which i gave at the start of your day
to probably shine some light into
the dim morn you had then.

there is something about the oreo
the one that you left untouched, undisturbed
left laying there on your table through
till the day you left it for good.

there is something about the oreo
the one which i had hoped you would accept
that stabs through me when i see it now
a reminder of my foolishness.

there is something about the oreo
that makes me moan in sadness
what once was a symbol of hope
is now but a painful reminder of reality.

there is something about the oreo
that makes me regret yesterday so much
all the hopes and dreams i had, i should have known
were so undeserving of me.

there is something about the oreo
that makes me want to move on
but held back by the rejection plastered on it
a flashback of the tearful walk home

there is something about the oreo
that begs for acceptance
from anybody, anyone
before my heart is at peace

there is something about the oreo

there is...

and it is you.

brenden.

brenden.... hear me.

2006-01-21T05:37:00.000-08:00

brenden.... hear me...

ever hopeful,
filled with dreams,
bright new,
brand new,
hopeful schemes,
pastel shades,
and Wedgwood skies,
first light
of loving
in your eyes,
soon to dim
and then you flee,
leaving me
alone
with me,
the thing i fear,
burning rivers
in my head,
bereft of all
we shared,
my soul
so old,
so young,
so bare,
afraid of you,
of me,
of life,
of men...

the loneliness

2006-01-16T04:39:00.000-08:00

i'm sitting here
thinking bout
how i'm gonna do without
you were round in my life
and how am i gonna get by

ain't got no days
just lonely nights
you want the truth
well girl, i'm not alright
feel out of place and out of time
i think i'm gonna lose my mind

so tell me how you feel
i'm lonely
are you for real
so lone...
do you still think of me
i think of you...
baby still
loneeee.....
do you dream of me at night
it's like i dream of you all the time
so loneeeeee....

oh let me tell you how it feels
it's like everyday i die
wish i was dreamin but it real
when i open up my eyes
oh let me tell you how it feels
and i don see your pretty face
i think that i will never love again.

i miss your face
i miss your kiss
i even miss the arguments
that we would have
from time to time
i miss you standing by my side

i'm dying here
can't you see
there ain't no you
god knows there ain't no me
don't want to live
i want to die
if i can't have you in my life.

brenden morias

2006-01-16T03:48:00.000-08:00

life now is a bliss...
awaiting results,
working as a teacher,
inspiring more people than i imagined,
found my calling...

currently, i'm teaching in Nan Chiau High School... Love the students there. never thought that secondary one students can be extremely brilliant. they know freaky things like the battle of waterloo, some wellington guy or place... i don't know! i don't have a clue about what they were talking about.

i am not the only relief teacher there. there's at least 3 others. 2 are similarly awaiting results while the other is awaiting NS. One's from National JC, the other from Hwa Chong JC, and the last is taking private diploma after realizing that engineering was not his cup of tea.

i've had a lot of people offering their help on my first day... the teachers there are very friendly and have great sense of humour. i had an aha moment when i first got my place in the staff room. gosh!!!! i have never felt as awkward sitting around teachers as i had then. it feels as though i'm a chick being thrown into a lake full of corcs. but i got over it after some time...

here's the fun part... i was teaching sec 1C when i suddenly saw a strangely familiar looking man pass by my class. when he noticed me, he also gave me a second glance. when our eyes met for the 3rd or 4th time, it was only then that i realized that i have found the one person who had impacted my life greatly but left almost immediately after that. Mr Rahim... he was my malay relief teacher back when i was in CVSS. he was my mentor, my best friend and my diary then and it was a great blow for me when he had to leave. but now, i am reliefing under the same roof as him. and 1C is his form class. talking about fate.. haha! but his re-emergence in my life, especially at this time and this place, has eased my load by a ton. he's come back into another episode of my life to do what he does best - help me sort out my life. he has helped me adapt myself into the life of a teacher, well at least until the permenant teacher comes back. that is the main reason how i can blend in quickly and fit in quite comfortably. but i can't always depend on him... thus, i still have a lot more things to get used to. and there's another helpful teacher - miss ashikin. she's been there, willingly rendering her help since the moment i stepped into the school. i am greatly in debt with these two, especially these two teachers.

brenden morias... will remain just a fantasy. as always, it will fade. so i shall not do anything and just let you pass without leaving a mark. you will leave this episode, only being but one of the many that i have dreamt of but never got to bring to life. i must try to fight. i must not faulter, not again. i don't want to get hurt. i must be strong.i must... i must...

but again.. it is always hard. very hard that it has conquered a part of my heart before i could even react. still.... i MUST!!!! I CANNOT LET YOU COME AND GO! JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE! i must fight this feeling for i know it is not real.

just this time.... i hope i win. i hope i will come out of it gay and unscarred.

i hope....

i really do...

a copy of my encounter...

2005-12-16T02:56:00.000-08:00

i was starting on a malay book recently called 'cintamu di hati'. strangely, as i read the the intro, it sounded EXACTLY like my encounter with Asraf after we had our last fight. this is it...

*the actual names of the characters are kept intact. so, in this scene,
seri adriani: me... & Zul: Asraf... *

"Seri Adriani..."

Aku menoleh. Tersirap darahku ke muka tatkala merenung wajah di hadapanku. Aku tidak percaya pada dua deriaku; mata yang melihat wajah di depanku dan telinga yang mendengar suara itu. Suara yang pernah suatu ketika dahulu begitu aku rindukan tetapi kini cukup menyakitkan hati mendengarkannya.

"Apa khabar? Selamat Hari Raya." Dia menyapa mesra sambil menghulurkan tangan.

Aku biarkan saja tangan itu tidak disambut. Segala dendam dan sakit hati yang tersimpan sekian lama bertunda-tunda di dada. Aku cuba mengawal perasaan ketika pandangan kami bersatu.

"Boleh kita duduk di sana?" tanyanya setelah sepi seketika. Riak di wajahnya mengharapkan sesuatu.

"Tidak!" jawabku tegas.

Tanpa sepatah kata, aku terus meninggalkannya termangu-mangu. Aku tidak peduli apa perasaannya ketika itu kerana sudah tidak bedaya untuk berhadapan dengannya lagi....

i didn't carry on....

his reply to my reply....

2005-12-16T02:55:00.000-08:00

If there's a problem,
We should work it out.
Please stop giving me the cold shoulder.
You don't even want to talk to me.

I know I made you mad but,
Why are you making this drag on so long?
I want to know.
I'm sick and tired of this silly games.

Don't figure that I'm the only one here to blame.
What now, you're gone, my fault, I'm SORRY!
Feeling like a fool cause I let you down.
Is it too late to turn it around?

I'm SORRY for the tears I made you cry.
I guess this time it really is goodbye.
I know that I made a few mistakes,
But never thought that things would turn out this
way.

Cause I'm missing something now that you're gone.
I can't see it all so clearly before.
I'm still standing at your door.
Giving my reasons but as you look away, I can
see a tear roll down your face.

his plea and my reply.

2005-12-14T03:37:00.000-08:00

his plea...

Friends No More Forever?

Backed me down from backing up.
Hold your breath now, it's stacking up.
Etched with marks but i can deal,
And you're the problem but you can't feel.

To trust me is just one defense.
Of a list of others I don't make sense.
Begged you time and time again,
To take me back now but I can't win.

And when the memory fades away,
There'd be a better view.
I'll remain one friend lonely,
And just the thought of it I fear.

Guess today you're fine without me.
Spending all your time without me.
And all the things you thought I'd be,
You're moving on by letting go of me.

My reply

First you came, I was uptight.
To trust another’s one impossible fight.
I hated the sound of you,
Fear my heart being stabbed through.

Months I tried to scare you away.
Safeguard my heart and keep you at bay.
But soon you hacked me down,
In a bed of roses, I finally drowned.

Everything was fine until that day.
You were my dream guy and I wanted you to stay.
But you chose to pretend and lie it through.
A play of farce was what I saw from you.

Now, everyday I wake, I think of you
As a liar who managed to make a fool out of me
As much as I do not want make you a foe
I can’t withstand the pain, can’t let it go.

It is after all your intention,
To not contact me, you didn’t want to stay
For you to call for a reconciliation
Was everyday’s hope, I prayed.

But you never did, you really left
And gone were my hopes on you.
All I did was seek salvation ever since
From people who really loved me true.

You didn’t show the slightest respect for me,
So don’t expect me to be nice to you.
You’re the one, who shooed me away,
So don’t expect me to come running back to you.

I can’t believe you took so long
To make the first move, save whatever that’s left.
That shows how low you are willing to stoop
To save that pride you have.

Don’t push it on me, don’t you dare.
I’m not to blame; it’s you who didn’t care.
I am not fine without you, thanks for asking
But since you obviously don’t bother, I’m leaving.

KENAPA?????

2005-11-27T22:20:00.000-08:00

aku benci!!!!!!
benci kau!!!! kurang ajar!!!!

bastero!!!! K.N.N.!!!
aku benci kau!!!

setakat kata2 manis!
setakat muka lawa!

buat hapak?!?!?!
HA!

to my beloved?
EH!!! PERGI BERAMBOSLAH!!!!

aku terluka lagi.
TERLUKA LAGI!!!

kau tau tak?
bertapa pedihnya hati aku skarang ni?

HA!!!
KAU TAU TAK???

kenapa firman???
kenapa kau?

kenapa kau tergamak luahkan kata2 itu...
macam kata2 itu tak membawa apa2 maksud pon pada kau?

kenapa firman???
kenapa kau?

kenapa kau sanggup buat hati aku terpaut pada kau...
hanya untuk mempermainkannya?

kenapa firman????
kenapa kau?

kenapa kau layan aku macam permaisuri...
hanya untuk menghina aku?

kenapa firman???
kenapa kau?

kenapa kau meluahkan keikhlasan kau pada ku...
hanya untuk menipu?

kau tahu aku senang jatuh...
kau tahu aku senang gentar...

kau janji kau tidak akan membuatku terpesona...
sekiranya kau belum bersedia...

tapi kau ingkar janji kau...
kau tipu aku!!!!

kenapa?
kenapa firman???
kenapa?
kenapa?
kenapa?
kenapa?
kenapa?
kenapa?
kenapa?
kenapa?
kenapa?
kenapa?
kenapa?
kenapa?
kenapa?
kenapa?
kenapa?
kenapa?
kenapa?
KENAPA?
KENAPA?
KENAPA?
KENAPA?
KENAPA?
KENAPA?
KENAPA?
KENAPA?
KENAPA?
KENAPA?
KENAPA?
KENAPA?

i've had enough

2005-11-26T18:50:00.000-08:00

i thought it was all meant to be...
that you and me...
that i have finally found the right one...
now that i have met you.

it all felt good...
the laughter...
your gentleness...
the ever-so-cute-arguments...
it was too good to be true.

although i've known you for only a while...
it was enough for me to realize the kind of guy i want...
i don't want to rush things through...
i know you are not ready for it...
i am not too...
but i was hoping for some kind of assurance.

but...
it didn't happen at all...
you left me in a bed of roses...
only to spray insecticide on it...
yes.. you are not like any other guy, i'll give you that...
but there's one thing in you that doesn't separate you from the rest...
you used me for your own benefit.

you played around with my feelings...
making me feel so loved...
making me feel so treasured...
saying the things i wanted to hear...
letting me be myself without criticizing me...
you raised my hopes so high...
only to make me fall once more.

so much for being excited over me...
so much for wanting to help me get up on my feet again...
so much for wanting to help me get on with my love life again...
so much for wanting to help me build up my confidence in guys...
so much for being very sincere...
so much for all your promises...
which, in turn, like any other guys...
are simply sweet words which brings no meaning.

i tell you one thing.
you can keep your sorry...
coz i've had enough of it.
i've had enough of guys...
i've had enough of you.

BYE.

maaf

2005-11-23T00:33:00.000-08:00

memang...
memang hidup aku sunyi tanpa cinta.
memang aku mengharapkan cinta drp seorg lelaki.
memang aku cemburu melihat kawan2ku dicintai.
memang aku berangan-angan dpt belaian itu juga!

aku nak...
aku nak jumpa lelaki yg sayangkan aku dan cintakan aku.
aku nak lelaki yang aku boleh bina hidup bahagia bersama.
aku nak lelaki yang benar-benar ikhlas dan jujur dalam percintaan.
aku nak lelaki itu!

TAPI...
aku dah serik dilukai oleh jantan2 yg aku pernah jumpa.
aku dah serik diperbodoh-bodohkan.
aku dah serik dianggap murah.
aku dah serik dengan kata2 manis yg tak membawa apa2 maksud.
aku dah serik diambil ringan, diabaikan.
aku dah serik nak jatuh cinta lagi!

HUH!
tak semua lelaki jahat.
ah! itu sajalah yg dorang boleh kata.
bila dah beri peluang utk buktikannya, sama aje!
kata akan sayang dunia akhirat, ha! tipu!
1 minggu pon tak sampai!
kata ikhlas, tapi bila pompan yg dikejarkannya dulu kembali,
aku dihumban jauh-jauh!
kata akulah satu-satunya, tup. tup.
'abang dah tak nak two-time lagi. bye.'
biler mintak maaf kerana curang, melalak kononnya kesal.
ha! call back 5 minutes ltr...
'apa yg u ckpkan ni? i tak syg you. i syg dia dan dia sorang.'

katakanlah...
mcm mana hati aku tak tertutup?
aku sedih..... aku kesal dgn sikap2 lelaki yg buruk ni!
aku sekadar seorg perempuan...
yang, seperti perempuan lain, harapkan cinta sejati.
kini kau datang...
sungguhpun kau kata niatmu baik..
sungguhpun kau kata kau benar2 inginkan aku..
sungguhpun kita berjumpa di tpt yg afdal.

katakanlah...
bagaimana harusku percaya?
aku tahu perbuatanku tdk adil utkmu.
tapi...
hatiku terkunci.
kuncinya sudah hilang.
aku sendiri tak tahu di mana...

maafkan aku...

jera

2005-11-18T13:15:00.000-08:00

hitam bukan dirimu...
putih...
juga bukan dirimu...
jemu ku melihatmu...
tak bercahaya...
seperti memudar...

cinta...
aku mencinta...
kamu yang aku mahu...
namun...
tak tepat waktu...
ku sudah jera...
dalam percintaan...

salam hangat untuk cintamu...
aku yang kandas dan patah hati...
biarlah orang memandang lemah...
aku tak mahu bercinta lagi...

engkau yang dulu pernah ku cinta...
namun terlanjur kau bersamanya...
dan kau terluka oleh cintanya...
kini kau hadir, ku sudah jera....

soon...

2005-10-14T21:41:00.000-07:00

very soon... i guess.
i like what i see....
i really do.
my fear is fading...
i can feel it.

but at the same time...
i think it's still early.
i might not know you enough...
for me to surrender my heart.
till then...

i'm scared...
i still am.
i might get tired of you...
you might get sick of me.
then, the hurt will seep through again.

till then...
i'll keep on hoping.
that you will be the one...
that i've been waiting for...
that you'll come to save me.

when it comes to guys

2005-09-24T08:35:00.000-07:00

when it comes to guys...
i have no mercy.
i kill at the slightest hint of danger.
regret or not, i don't care.

when it comes to guys...
i don't wait.
you either come quick or leave.
right or wrong, i don't care.

when it comes to guys...
i don't give second chances.
use it well or blow it.
deliberate or not, i don't care.

when it comes to guys...
i am very unreasonable.
learn my rules and abide by them well.
fair or not, i don't care.

when it comes to guys...
i don't care.
i might have cared before....
but not now, no more!

i can't say that my action is right...
there will come a time that it will backfire...
and i might lose the person that i have been searching for...
the loss, i will regret, i know....

but...

i don't care....

or do i?

in the midst of it all...

2005-09-17T11:30:00.000-07:00

Prelims...
Study Break...
The looming A-Levels...
yet... i still got the time to fall sick...

recently, no... last year actually, i got some fungal infection on the sole of my right leg... nothing much of a problem there other than it being VAWEE itchy. went to the doc and got some cream for them... they worked but.....

only for a while. this year, those things decided to pay me a visit again. ha!!!! and this time, they decided to stay longer. i actually went to the doc 4 blardy times about the same thing and i swear the doc had enough of me... and all those 4 times, i returned with different creams that, like the ones before, were valid for a limited time only.

days passed, weeks flew, months zoomed by and my foot wasn't getting any better. in fact, it got .............. (fill in the blank) the cream that i had to apply made my skin super dry, causing them to crack. i really didn't see anything critical about leaving those open wounds just like that... the only thing that was in my mind was that they were cracks and cracks are common things that should not be too worried about. and duh... open wounds are supposed to be kept in the open for ventilation (according to the 4th doc i met). so i did just that... but... guess what happened.

the wounds started to become very wet and there are pus all over. i could hardly walk as my feet would hurt like hell. it started to swell, making it almost impossible for me to focus on anything else except for the pain. my dad suggested to bring me to the clinic again.... my mom demanded to bring me to a private one... we followed the latter.

when the doc saw the condition of my foot, he got the shock of his life (i guess) and asked ''Do you want to go to A&E?" i was like... it can't be that bad. then he explained that i now suffer a, what he would like to call, super infection. from the fungal infection, my skin cracks, exposing the red thing beneath the skin to the dirt in the air. the dirt got into the open wounds. dirt contain bacteria. this leads to me having bacterial infection. this is why there was all the swelling and the liquid that were excreted out from the wounds showed that the bacteria are in their active stage. he told me that bacterial infection is very bad as it can spread very fast. and he also added that should i start having a fever, i should go to A&E immediately. he told me to look out for the swell (identified by redness on my skin) to check if it moves up as a sign of it spreading up my body.

i would have agreed to the A&E suggestion instantly if there wasn't any paper the next day... i wasn't too lucky. the next day was my paper 3 of economics. so the doc gave me some anti-biotics to keep the bacteria under control until the end of my exams. he also cleaned up my foot and applied some dressing. his initial intention was to cover only the 'big toe'-the worst hit area. but eventually decided to bandage the whole thing. i must admit that, amidst the seriousness of my condition, i couldn't help but to feel extremely exhilirated for it was my FIRST time getting a bandage.

well... one thing that i was very relieved of was that i no longer had to appear in school with that unsightly foot of mine coz now it's all under wraps. and i can walk a little more comfortably coz i got cushion under my foot! ha! who got that before?

so i'm supposed to go to A&E on Wed (21 sept) after the last paper... but a visit to the doc again just yesterday (reviewing purposes) might not make A&E necessary anymore. it's better now. but i have to swallow 20 pills a day! and i still have to keep a close watch on my foot. fever equals to A&E. swell spreads equals to A&E. therefore, fever equals to swell spreads. not literally lah.

may Allah give me the strength to overcome this test of his... Insya-Allah

i'll stand by you

2005-08-31T14:33:00.000-07:00

oh....
why you look so sad....
tears are in your eyes...
come on and come to me now...

don't...
be ashamed to cry...
let me see you through...
coz i've seen the dark side too...

when the night falls on you..
and you don't know what to do...
nothing you confess...
could make me love you less...

i'll stand by you...
i'll stand by you...
won't let nobody hurt you...
i'll stand by you...

so...
if you're mad, get mad...
don't hold it all inside...
come on and talk to me now...

hey...
what you've got to hide...
i get angry too...
well i'm alot like you...

when you're standing at the crossroads...
don't know which path to choose....
let me come along...
coz even if you're wrong....

and when...
when the night falls on you baby...
felling all alone...
you'll never be on your own...

i'll stand by you.

the apology came.

2005-08-15T09:40:00.000-07:00

i feel better now.... he has apologized. i have no more pain in my heart. it's gone... all gone. i see the true meaning of friendship through this encounter. Ray... if you ever get to read this, i want you to know that you mean a lot to me. no matter what happens, i really hope that it will not completely burn our friendship into ashes. we will walk through this journey together.... as CIs, as Sir and Cadet, as friends. i hope you now see how much i treasure you..... and i really hope you feel the same way too... may your relationship with Val be everlasting. may we be friends till the end. may we be able to re-build the unit to its full potential. may we face the bright future together.

your friend, cadet and collegue
Wiwiek Najihah Hairudin

the returned pain

2005-08-14T23:25:00.000-07:00

POP of the sec 4s Npcc. i actually didn't want to come. i didn't think i was prepared to meet Ray and Jun and Naz and XP. the conflict remained fresh in my mind.

but..... i eventually went (cursed me!!!!!!) i didn't want to stay throughout but...... i did.

Ray tried to talk to me but i don't know why it was so hard for me to treat him the way i used to, the way before all the shits happened. both trying to hold back my tears as the incident gushed back into my sensitive heart, and trying to restrain myself from blowing my top off and spoil my beloved cadets' POP, the only thing that i managed to dig out from my mouth was ''Shut Up!''. when i really couldn't control myself, i made my way to the washroom and cried my heart out. it's been too long.... I've kept this anger, the embarrassment, for too long. i just had to let it out, hoping to feel alot better after that and let the matter rest. but........... i didn't. i returned to the venue, saw Ray, and my heart was in turmoils all over again.

Shahul, my close VO, told me that Ray wanted to talk to me later. so i stayed on. soon, after half of the cadets have left, he came....... 'Madam....Madam.... still angry ah? Don't be angry lah.....' I didn't pay attention to anything else but the word 'Madam'..... F*** me for being very emotional!!!!!! i spent half the time trying to contain my tears as i question his sincerity in acknowledging my status as his collegue..........

then he called me again.... 'Madam....' That was when i just blurted out the burning question......'Since when i am a Madam to you?' He kept quiet, looked down, and suddenly his hp became so interesting. he tried to cool me down but i shut him off again by emphasizing 'Since when?!?!'......... although i did feel bad making things hard for him, i felt that even that could not cover for the embarrassment he had put me into during the NP camp last Dec. just imagine..... to be yelled at for no freakin reason in front of the whole unit, in front of my other collegues, IN FRONT OF THE CADETS!!!!!

when the whole event was over and just a few cadets were left, before i left, i asked him in the harshest tone believable....'Raymond! You got anything else to say or not?' After ending his call, he came to me again..... 'Madam... ok.... Wiwiek.... don be angry already lah. sit down.' I didn't know where i got the strength from but i shouted at him and gave him one blardy attitude that even i can't believe i was capable of it. i did what he did to me then.... 'NO! You sit! I stand!' 'F***! Shut up! Don't tell me what to do!' i seriously don't think i was myself then...... i really put him in a spot. i wasn't surprised when he just truned away, said 'I think you better go home and rest', and left. i wasn't surprised at all...... but i was utterly disappointed. if he was sincere in his apology, he would have stayed there and face up to his own mess. just like what i did when he was all flames on me...... despite me being embarrassed, i stood there and faced him and tried to maintain the professionalism.

HARLO!!!!!! I'm a Cadet Inspector. I respect my collegues even in the worst of times and I EXPECT THE SAME FROM THEM! but i didn't get it.............. i tried to scream his attention back to me. but he just left........ so much for sincerity... so much for being a CI... so much for being brave to face up to your own responsibilities... so much for being a guy.

and again..... just like last year, after the camp, i left with my heart shattered. my very own collegue, someone whom i have very high regards for, turned his back on me twice. my whole journey to Compass Point with Shahul was filled with tears. i walked around CP aimlessly.... although i was seemingly fine on the outside as i didn't want to worry Shahul too much, my heart was a complete wreck. the slightest second of silence would bring me down a whirlpool of sadness.

I know Ray is sorry...... somewhere, in my heart, i have already forgiven him..... but i can't let go of the disappointment. i don know..... i feel like i could eventually do that only after meeting him face to face, cry my heart out and have him hug me for a sense of assurance and prove of his sincerity. i really need to know where i stand in his eyes. am i his collegue or am i still his cadet?

my lame entry.

2005-07-28T17:50:00.000-07:00

sometimes i question myself.... what is life? is it a hamper of seemingly attractive routines sold at a discount price during the Great Singapore Sale? is it about endless battles of Jenga between you and the wind? or is it a chain of love and pain, continuously played like some broken record?

then i think to myself.... why am i thinking about this? to find excuses for any possible failures? to know the true purpose of me being alive? or to see what is it that i have not yet achieved after spending almost two decades on earth?

a few moments later, i cried to myself.... why is my life so painful? is it because i have sinned too much and pain is like a retribution for me? is it because, unlike the rest of them in my class, i am still single? or is it because i am putting my hopes on the unthinkable and far-fetched?

................................... then i realized................................. i haven't answered any of the questions. then i asked myself..... are there answers to them? i mean, life is not like science and math, something that one can understand and ace by memorizing fixed concepts. it's not like multiple choice where a toss of a coin might just give the right answer. life's not about that at all...

that was when i realize that i'm here not to talk about life..... i'm here to change my blogskin and write about love, my forte (althouth all my attempts in relationships failed big time...) by this time, i think you're cursing and swering at me (come on, admit it) for writitng a whole lot of sensible, deep stuff that tickles your brain till it burst into tears, hoping to find something deep, inspirational and helpful for yourself just to finally fall into an anti-climax. HAHA! well.. what can i say... i am the same old brand new blur educated idiot. ha! take that for an ending... not only is it triple oxymoron, it's self realization. sekian... tankiu!

before i fall in love

2005-06-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

my heart says we've got something real
can i trust the way i feel
coz my heart's been fooled before

and i'm just seeing wat i want to see
is it true?
could you really be....

someone to have and hold
with all my heart and soul
i need to know
before i fall in love

someone who stays around
through all my ups and downs
please tell me now
before i fall in love

i'm at the point of no return
so afraid of getting burnt
but i want to take the chance

please give me the reason to believe
say you're the one
that you'll always be....

it's been so hard for me
to give my heart away
but i would give my everything
just to hear you stay...

2005-05-27T05:01:00.000-07:00

today i spent time with dwi after school.
we watched kung fu hustle...
fun gilerr....
but very the violent.
i wonder if this show was being censored in the cinemas.
but wat the heck....
it was fun...
i got to watch it...
so the heck goes to censorship!

how could i

2005-05-25T19:32:00.000-07:00

it's just in me...
to help...
it's a result of my past.
that i do all these.

my intentions were good...
for friend or foe...
all in the name of friendship.
that i care so much.

well...
that's part of the reason.
it's also done out of envy.
that i care too much.

you guys are fortunate.
showered with all the love in the world.
things that i can only imagine.
you're given the chance to own them.

no matter how much troubles you face
you are lucky to feel them.
things that i can only imagine.
you're allowed to own them.

so i guess that's it...
it's also part of envy...
that i want to help.
to see your happiness last.

but...
things go bad...
even for me who only imagined them all.
you don't want me to stay.

and so i left...
in the name of friendship.
to help you guys...
in your endeavours.

but...
it hurts to see...
you guys cry over things that you owned.
things that i could only imagine.

if i were to follow my heart
i would have put my hand in your heart
and try to heal it to the best that i can
but you once bit my hand when i tried to do so

if i were to follow what you want of me
i would be suffering from a far
for i can only see you weep your heart away
and i can't be there to wipe your tears dry

how could i...
just leave you as that...
to see someone whom i care deeply
fade in your own emotions.

how could i....
but...

it is with your wish that i do so
so as hard as it is to let you go
i shall... for there's no other way can i take

are you interested?

2005-05-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

are you interested...
in the gift that i have...
for no one else but you...
you said you are.

are you interested...
in treasuring my efforts...
that i shower for only you...
you said you are.

are you interested...
in winning their hearts...
to secure our future together...
you said you are.

but are you...
really.. really interested?
you said you are.
i doubt your honesty.

coz your actions don't prove them.
they are the total opposites.
you said you are.
your actions showed otherwise.

you gave up on the crucial matters.
that can help us in forming 'US' again.
as much as i tried to understand that..
i can't help but to think that you're not interested.

you surrendered at the slightest bump.
bumps that would score you points.
as much as i tried to understand your logic..
i can't help but to think that you're not interested.

you made me do the extra mile for you.
one that would assure me of your sincerity.
as much as i tried to be compromising..
i can't help but to think that you're not interested.

to ask you the question again..
is of no use to me...
i know the answer...
the same answer...

so now...
it is totally up to you...
to prove to me your interest.
you'll have to try a lot harder than ever.

it is because of friends like you

2005-05-02T12:30:00.000-07:00

it is because of friends like you
that my world seems complete
even though there are spaces
you make me see the whole

it is because of friends like you
that my problems just pass me by
even when they're pulling me down
you make me feel light

it is because of friends like you
that my life's filled with flowers
even though there are thorns
you make me enjoy the colours

it is because of friends like you
that my life is bright
even when troubles cloud my heart
you make me shine through it

it is because of friends like you
that my life is filled with love
even when enemies poison them
you gave me the power to heal

it is because of friends like you
that i'm grateful to live
when obstacles make me want to end it
you gave me reasons to carry on

i live in the past for a purpose
it serves as a reminder
of the things that i once went through
things that shook my life most

it is to remind me of my failures
in fighting evil well
on how i quickly surrendered because of fear
how i let them destroy my life without a fight

it is to remind me
so that i know these people exist
so that i will be more careful
so that when i see them again, i am stronger

it is also to remind me of the angels
that i once met
who held my hand tight and never did let go
even when the world's against me,they were there

it is to remind me
that life has its sweetness
so that i will remain more optimistic
so that when i see them again, i will hold their hands too

this is specially dedicated to a few kind souls
who have touched my life
i want you all to know how much you mean to me
and you will forever own a place in my heart
thank you for making this world a beautiful place
for me and the others to live in....

Primary School Angel
Xie Yun Qian

Secondary School Angels
Lam Desa (Faith)
Amanda Goh Yi Li (Mandy)

Junior College Angels
Farahdillah (Fairy)
Siti Zuhriyyah (Zurie)
Siti Aisyah (Syah/Jah)

love paraidse

2005-05-01T14:35:00.000-07:00

You're always on my mind
All day just all the time
You're everything to me
Brightest star to let me see

You touch me in my dreams
We kiss in every scene
I pray to be with you
through rain and shiny days

I'll love you till I die
Deep as sea Wide as sky
The beauty of our love paints rainbows
Everywhere we go

Need you all my life
You're my hope You're my pride
In your arms I find my heaven
In your eyes my sea and sky
May life be our love paradise

am i wrong?

2005-04-30T21:35:00.001-07:00

am i wrong...
to tell the truth?
to relieve myself from the guilt
that i have in me

am i wrong...
to hide nothing from you?
so that trust will exist
between the both of us

am i wrong...
to reveal something before you
all in the name of truth
all for the sake of a friend

they say that the truth is the best
does it still stand?
am i the only one
who still believes in this?

if i am not in the wrong
then why do i feel bad?
why do i sense as though i've
dug my own grave

if i am in the wrong
then what was i supposed to do?
which part of it was wrong?
what should i do now?

if simple things are getting this complicated
the world is coming to an end.....
am i wrong for that too?

fir the first time

2005-04-29T05:50:00.000-07:00

are those your eyes
is that your smile
i've been searching for you forever
yet i never saw you before

are these your hands
holding mine
now i wonder how
i could have been so blind

for the first time
i am looking in your eyes
for the first time
i'm seeing who you are
i can't believe how much i see
when you're looking back at me
now i understand what love is
for the first time

can this be real
can this be true
that i'm the person i was this morning
and are you the same you

it's all so strange
how can it be
all along this love was
right in fron of me

such a long time ago
i have given up on finding this emotion
ever again
but you're here with me now
yes... i've found you somehow
and i've never been so sure

for the first time

don't you dare

2005-04-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

Don't you dare think
you know me
as though you can read
the contents of my heart

Don't you dare speak
as though you're a pro
knowing every single thing
that troubles me

Don't you dare talk
as though i'm a fool
like i know nuts about myself
as though i suck in handling my life

Don't you dare behave
as though i am stupid
thinking i need you as a model
as though i have no brains of my own

Don't you dare say
things i already know
constantly emphasizing on them
as though i have not learnt

Don't you dare!!!!!!
Don't you dare!!!!!!
for...
i'm not stupid
i'm not a fool
i'm not clueless
and for...
I KNOW MYSELF!!!!!!!

DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-04-24T16:25:00.000-07:00

you asked me if i love you
and i choked on my reply
i'd rather hurt you honestly
than mislead you with a lie

sometimes when we touch
the honesty's too much
that i ahve to close my eyes
and hide

i want to hold you till i die
till we both break down and cry
i want to hold you
till the fear in me subside

romance and all it's strategy
keeps me battling with my pride
but thrugh all the insecurity
some tenderness survive

at times i'd like to break you
and drive you to your knees
at times i'd like to break through
and hold you endlessly

at times i understand you
and i know how hard you've tried
i've watched my love command you
and i've watched love pass you by

at time i think we're drifters
still searching for a friend
a brother or a sister
but then passion
flares again!

why is it meant to be?

2005-04-22T20:19:00.000-07:00

why is it meant to be...
this way?
my heart is in shatters....
i love you...
you know that
but....
why is it meant to be?

now every tree
renews it's summer's green
why is your heart in winter's garment's clan
your beauty says
my love is summer's queen
but your cold love like winter
makes me sad
then either spring
with buds of love again
or else congeal my love
with your disdain

2004.2004
is it meant to be...
this way...
in separation...
lies pain....
in pain...
lies me...
but...
why is it meant to be?

i'm in pain...
in great pain...
my heart's ablown
shattered....
hah...
what's new...
but...
why is it meant to be?

it's ok...

2005-04-03T18:56:00.000-07:00

yeaterday,
was a day of sadness.
for me, my friends, ekamatra.
we lost the battle
ofwhich we have prepared
very well to the best of our abilities.

disappointment...
regret....
resentment....
suspicion....
guilt...
were intensely felt then.

we might be able to say,
it's ok... we have tried our best
the throphy's just not ours
at least we won something
but the truth was clear
we couldn't accept it.

i do feel the pain...
even though i wasn't on stage
even though the audience couldn't see me
i do feel the sorrow...
the feeling of being lost
in my own dream.

but...
as much as i am sad
i am glad that it happened
for there is a bright side to it
beneath the tears, heartache
beneath it all lah.

coz it was because of the pain
that i have people crying on me
seeking comfort in my arms
using my shoulder to cry on
wet it really well
and leave for another, drier shoulder

it was during the time of great disappointment
that i can behave like a shield
to protect and safeguard you
from the harms of the earth
when you are in your most vulnerable state
i was there, hiding my own tears to catch yours

in all, i thank God for the moment
for it was then that i realize
the deep feeling of love that i have for you
the bond that we actually have
strong enough for you to instantly
seek refuge in me

so it's ok...
it's ok that we lost
coz we have won in our own ways
in ways that are more valued than throphies
in ways better than the elation the 3 schools felt
it is bitter moment turned sweet.

where's mine?

2005-03-29T21:15:00.000-08:00

am i that bad that they don't know how to respect me?
am i that minute that all are unable to sense my presence?
am i that soft that my views cannot be heard?
am i that wierd that they don't understand me?

OR.......

are they that unwilling to give me the respect i deserve?
are they that cruel to disacknowledge me?
are they that bad to be giving me a deaf ear?
are they that deliberately trying to ridicule me?

i gave them what they desire...
i gave them what they deserve...
i gave them all....
but.....
where's mine?

ANYONE OUT THERE?

2005-03-27T23:00:00.000-08:00

very dark room
pitch black
you're in there
i know
called for you
''you there?''
i answered myself

very dark room
pitch black
you're in there
i'm sure
called for you
''answer me.''
i answered myself

very dark room
i'm scared of it
you're in there
no doubt
i called for you
''answer me please.''
i answered myself

very dark room
hate it
you're in there
i entered the room
with a torch
i called for you
''damn you! come out!''
i answered myself
and i got burnt

very dark room
you're in there
i know
just come out
i'm lonely
come out
i need you
you're in there
right?

Merpati Putih

2005-03-07T16:25:00.000-08:00

Seperti hati ini...

Sesuci cinta ini...

Merkah...

Mewangi...

Kasih...

Ku harapkan balasmu...

Hulur tangan peluk diriku...

Kekasih...

Dekaplah aku...

Perasaan cintaku ini,

Tak bisa ku bendung lagi...

Di manakah waktu kan berkata,

Menyetujui cinta ini...

Merpati putih saksi kita...

Dalam malam kita berjanji,

Apa yang kan menghalangi,

Tetap cinta ini kan terjalin...

Seperti hati ini...

Sesuci cinta ini...

what's there...

2005-03-01T13:30:00.000-08:00

What's there.....
in ties?
other than relationships,
truths and lies,
love and hate,
friends and families?

what's there...
in study?
other than knowledge,
acheivements and failures,
questions and answers,
learners and teachers?

what's there...
in work?
other than money
status and prejudice,
10k or 200,
bosses and workers?

what's there...
in life?
other than this?
what's there...
that we call future?
what's there...
that we call past?

well...
there's nothing there.
it's all here.
it's all now.
it's all....
my destiny.
and i shall do just that.
no more questions asked!

his future

2005-02-01T18:27:00.000-08:00

On my way back from school. In bus 82. Saw a kid along the route. So vibrant.... So full of life. Somehow, for that split moment, I saw his hopes shining in his eyes, plastered to his smile. What will he grow up to be? How will his futuer be like? Will he still be able to maintain his vibe even when faced with that stress and pressure that life has in store for him? that sets me thinking.... How will his future be when i'm not even sure of my own survival in this already modern and tight world. I don't know why but the thought of that made me worry for him. I'm worried that the future will be harsh on him. I'm worried that the biterness of the world will be too much a blow for him to handle. I'm worried for the moment when he realizes that the world is not as pleasant as what he thought it would be. I'm worried that, in the midst of all the worries, he might lose his vibe, his zest for life, his positive impression he has no the world he lives in. I hope that the moment will never come as should it still happen, it will be the moment when the world has lost something so priceless and pure - the life of a hopeful child.