my book of love...

how things can change within a split second... it never fails to catch me off-guard. i don't know what to feel anymore. i am lost for words to describe this emptiness, this confusion, this heavy feeling in my heart. i don't even know what i want.

this is not the first time this shit has happened to me. so i kinda know the stages. i know the outcome. and i know the aftermath. i'm so used to this that i can go through it with both eyes closed. but i dread going through this. i hate this.

but the other party is so determined to prove me wrong. the other party is so determined to come out from the battle, a battle that has made many lose hope and give in, victorious. this other party is the first idiot to do such thing. i can't do much but to let this other party give it a shot.

but i worry for this other party. i am pessimistic in this. i worry that he could not handle the many painful wounds should he still gets defeated. i worry that he would lose his balance on that thin line and fall into the bottomless pit below.

you see... the only thing that's driving him is his optimism.

on one side of the picture, i see something to envy about. he is the first guy who would do such a thing for me. and i want him to reach the end of the line, where i am waiting patiently, safe and still standing.

but on the other side of the picture, i see his spirit in peril. there are no safety nets below. no consolations. and i am not able to help him stand up again should he faulter. i am caged up at the end of the line. only he can uncage me.

in my book of love, ther are two routes one can take to my heart. only those who are of a certain standard will be able to feel the easy and guaranteed path to my heart. so far, none were qualified for this. but i'm entering a place where the possibilty of finding that one qualified person is high. the judges are all geared up for this. they tolerate no distractions at all from anywhere.

but this other party here is braving through the undesirable path. it's a long and difficult path. it's designed to make victory from this path near impossible. this other party has to stomach all the pain and torture alone. i am not allowed to help. that is the hardest part for me. i can't bear to just sit and watch the one who loves me so weathering all the turmoils in his path to win me. but there is nothing i can do to ease the burden that's nailing him down. the judges are exceptionally stringent on people who walk this path, making things more difficult than they already are. knowing the unbounded disappointment and unbearable wretchedness that is in store for those in this path, i am more than willing to let go of these people. that is the only thing i could do for them in the name of love.

but this other party here is different. he doesn't understand defeat until the very end.

i just pray for the best for him. may he have the strength to endure the obstacles. but the other path, the desirable one, is still wide open. hopefully he can reach the end of the race and win me before there's competition for should there be a competition between the two paths, i'm afraid the results are obviously against the favour of the undesirable.

the decision lies in the hands of the judges.

this is the whole truth about the book of love that i was pre-determined to live by. nothing said or done can change the rules of this game. play along or give it up.

the end.