the returned pain

POP of the sec 4s Npcc. i actually didn't want to come. i didn't think i was prepared to meet Ray and Jun and Naz and XP. the conflict remained fresh in my mind.

but..... i eventually went (cursed me!!!!!!) i didn't want to stay throughout but...... i did.

Ray tried to talk to me but i don't know why it was so hard for me to treat him the way i used to, the way before all the shits happened. both trying to hold back my tears as the incident gushed back into my sensitive heart, and trying to restrain myself from blowing my top off and spoil my beloved cadets' POP, the only thing that i managed to dig out from my mouth was ''Shut Up!''. when i really couldn't control myself, i made my way to the washroom and cried my heart out. it's been too long.... I've kept this anger, the embarrassment, for too long. i just had to let it out, hoping to feel alot better after that and let the matter rest. but........... i didn't. i returned to the venue, saw Ray, and my heart was in turmoils all over again.

Shahul, my close VO, told me that Ray wanted to talk to me later. so i stayed on. soon, after half of the cadets have left, he came....... 'Madam....Madam.... still angry ah? Don't be angry lah.....' I didn't pay attention to anything else but the word 'Madam'..... F*** me for being very emotional!!!!!! i spent half the time trying to contain my tears as i question his sincerity in acknowledging my status as his collegue..........

then he called me again.... 'Madam....' That was when i just blurted out the burning question......'Since when i am a Madam to you?' He kept quiet, looked down, and suddenly his hp became so interesting. he tried to cool me down but i shut him off again by emphasizing 'Since when?!?!'......... although i did feel bad making things hard for him, i felt that even that could not cover for the embarrassment he had put me into during the NP camp last Dec. just imagine..... to be yelled at for no freakin reason in front of the whole unit, in front of my other collegues, IN FRONT OF THE CADETS!!!!!

when the whole event was over and just a few cadets were left, before i left, i asked him in the harshest tone believable....'Raymond! You got anything else to say or not?' After ending his call, he came to me again..... 'Madam... ok.... Wiwiek.... don be angry already lah. sit down.' I didn't know where i got the strength from but i shouted at him and gave him one blardy attitude that even i can't believe i was capable of it. i did what he did to me then.... 'NO! You sit! I stand!' 'F***! Shut up! Don't tell me what to do!' i seriously don't think i was myself then...... i really put him in a spot. i wasn't surprised when he just truned away, said 'I think you better go home and rest', and left. i wasn't surprised at all...... but i was utterly disappointed. if he was sincere in his apology, he would have stayed there and face up to his own mess. just like what i did when he was all flames on me...... despite me being embarrassed, i stood there and faced him and tried to maintain the professionalism.

HARLO!!!!!! I'm a Cadet Inspector. I respect my collegues even in the worst of times and I EXPECT THE SAME FROM THEM! but i didn't get it.............. i tried to scream his attention back to me. but he just left........ so much for sincerity... so much for being a CI... so much for being brave to face up to your own responsibilities... so much for being a guy.

and again..... just like last year, after the camp, i left with my heart shattered. my very own collegue, someone whom i have very high regards for, turned his back on me twice. my whole journey to Compass Point with Shahul was filled with tears. i walked around CP aimlessly.... although i was seemingly fine on the outside as i didn't want to worry Shahul too much, my heart was a complete wreck. the slightest second of silence would bring me down a whirlpool of sadness.

I know Ray is sorry...... somewhere, in my heart, i have already forgiven him..... but i can't let go of the disappointment. i don know..... i feel like i could eventually do that only after meeting him face to face, cry my heart out and have him hug me for a sense of assurance and prove of his sincerity. i really need to know where i stand in his eyes. am i his collegue or am i still his cadet?