i'll stand by you

oh....
why you look so sad....
tears are in your eyes...
come on and come to me now...

don't...
be ashamed to cry...
let me see you through...
coz i've seen the dark side too...

when the night falls on you..
and you don't know what to do...
nothing you confess...
could make me love you less...

i'll stand by you...
i'll stand by you...
won't let nobody hurt you...
i'll stand by you...

so...
if you're mad, get mad...
don't hold it all inside...
come on and talk to me now...

hey...
what you've got to hide...
i get angry too...
well i'm alot like you...

when you're standing at the crossroads...
don't know which path to choose....
let me come along...
coz even if you're wrong....

and when...
when the night falls on you baby...
felling all alone...
you'll never be on your own...

i'll stand by you.

the apology came.

i feel better now.... he has apologized. i have no more pain in my heart. it's gone... all gone. i see the true meaning of friendship through this encounter. Ray... if you ever get to read this, i want you to know that you mean a lot to me. no matter what happens, i really hope that it will not completely burn our friendship into ashes. we will walk through this journey together.... as CIs, as Sir and Cadet, as friends. i hope you now see how much i treasure you..... and i really hope you feel the same way too... may your relationship with Val be everlasting. may we be friends till the end. may we be able to re-build the unit to its full potential. may we face the bright future together.

your friend, cadet and collegue
Wiwiek Najihah Hairudin

the returned pain

POP of the sec 4s Npcc. i actually didn't want to come. i didn't think i was prepared to meet Ray and Jun and Naz and XP. the conflict remained fresh in my mind.

but..... i eventually went (cursed me!!!!!!) i didn't want to stay throughout but...... i did.

Ray tried to talk to me but i don't know why it was so hard for me to treat him the way i used to, the way before all the shits happened. both trying to hold back my tears as the incident gushed back into my sensitive heart, and trying to restrain myself from blowing my top off and spoil my beloved cadets' POP, the only thing that i managed to dig out from my mouth was ''Shut Up!''. when i really couldn't control myself, i made my way to the washroom and cried my heart out. it's been too long.... I've kept this anger, the embarrassment, for too long. i just had to let it out, hoping to feel alot better after that and let the matter rest. but........... i didn't. i returned to the venue, saw Ray, and my heart was in turmoils all over again.

Shahul, my close VO, told me that Ray wanted to talk to me later. so i stayed on. soon, after half of the cadets have left, he came....... 'Madam....Madam.... still angry ah? Don't be angry lah.....' I didn't pay attention to anything else but the word 'Madam'..... F*** me for being very emotional!!!!!! i spent half the time trying to contain my tears as i question his sincerity in acknowledging my status as his collegue..........

then he called me again.... 'Madam....' That was when i just blurted out the burning question......'Since when i am a Madam to you?' He kept quiet, looked down, and suddenly his hp became so interesting. he tried to cool me down but i shut him off again by emphasizing 'Since when?!?!'......... although i did feel bad making things hard for him, i felt that even that could not cover for the embarrassment he had put me into during the NP camp last Dec. just imagine..... to be yelled at for no freakin reason in front of the whole unit, in front of my other collegues, IN FRONT OF THE CADETS!!!!!

when the whole event was over and just a few cadets were left, before i left, i asked him in the harshest tone believable....'Raymond! You got anything else to say or not?' After ending his call, he came to me again..... 'Madam... ok.... Wiwiek.... don be angry already lah. sit down.' I didn't know where i got the strength from but i shouted at him and gave him one blardy attitude that even i can't believe i was capable of it. i did what he did to me then.... 'NO! You sit! I stand!' 'F***! Shut up! Don't tell me what to do!' i seriously don't think i was myself then...... i really put him in a spot. i wasn't surprised when he just truned away, said 'I think you better go home and rest', and left. i wasn't surprised at all...... but i was utterly disappointed. if he was sincere in his apology, he would have stayed there and face up to his own mess. just like what i did when he was all flames on me...... despite me being embarrassed, i stood there and faced him and tried to maintain the professionalism.

HARLO!!!!!! I'm a Cadet Inspector. I respect my collegues even in the worst of times and I EXPECT THE SAME FROM THEM! but i didn't get it.............. i tried to scream his attention back to me. but he just left........ so much for sincerity... so much for being a CI... so much for being brave to face up to your own responsibilities... so much for being a guy.

and again..... just like last year, after the camp, i left with my heart shattered. my very own collegue, someone whom i have very high regards for, turned his back on me twice. my whole journey to Compass Point with Shahul was filled with tears. i walked around CP aimlessly.... although i was seemingly fine on the outside as i didn't want to worry Shahul too much, my heart was a complete wreck. the slightest second of silence would bring me down a whirlpool of sadness.

I know Ray is sorry...... somewhere, in my heart, i have already forgiven him..... but i can't let go of the disappointment. i don know..... i feel like i could eventually do that only after meeting him face to face, cry my heart out and have him hug me for a sense of assurance and prove of his sincerity. i really need to know where i stand in his eyes. am i his collegue or am i still his cadet?