my book of love...

how things can change within a split second... it never fails to catch me off-guard. i don't know what to feel anymore. i am lost for words to describe this emptiness, this confusion, this heavy feeling in my heart. i don't even know what i want.

this is not the first time this shit has happened to me. so i kinda know the stages. i know the outcome. and i know the aftermath. i'm so used to this that i can go through it with both eyes closed. but i dread going through this. i hate this.

but the other party is so determined to prove me wrong. the other party is so determined to come out from the battle, a battle that has made many lose hope and give in, victorious. this other party is the first idiot to do such thing. i can't do much but to let this other party give it a shot.

but i worry for this other party. i am pessimistic in this. i worry that he could not handle the many painful wounds should he still gets defeated. i worry that he would lose his balance on that thin line and fall into the bottomless pit below.

you see... the only thing that's driving him is his optimism.

on one side of the picture, i see something to envy about. he is the first guy who would do such a thing for me. and i want him to reach the end of the line, where i am waiting patiently, safe and still standing.

but on the other side of the picture, i see his spirit in peril. there are no safety nets below. no consolations. and i am not able to help him stand up again should he faulter. i am caged up at the end of the line. only he can uncage me.

in my book of love, ther are two routes one can take to my heart. only those who are of a certain standard will be able to feel the easy and guaranteed path to my heart. so far, none were qualified for this. but i'm entering a place where the possibilty of finding that one qualified person is high. the judges are all geared up for this. they tolerate no distractions at all from anywhere.

but this other party here is braving through the undesirable path. it's a long and difficult path. it's designed to make victory from this path near impossible. this other party has to stomach all the pain and torture alone. i am not allowed to help. that is the hardest part for me. i can't bear to just sit and watch the one who loves me so weathering all the turmoils in his path to win me. but there is nothing i can do to ease the burden that's nailing him down. the judges are exceptionally stringent on people who walk this path, making things more difficult than they already are. knowing the unbounded disappointment and unbearable wretchedness that is in store for those in this path, i am more than willing to let go of these people. that is the only thing i could do for them in the name of love.

but this other party here is different. he doesn't understand defeat until the very end.

i just pray for the best for him. may he have the strength to endure the obstacles. but the other path, the desirable one, is still wide open. hopefully he can reach the end of the race and win me before there's competition for should there be a competition between the two paths, i'm afraid the results are obviously against the favour of the undesirable.

the decision lies in the hands of the judges.

this is the whole truth about the book of love that i was pre-determined to live by. nothing said or done can change the rules of this game. play along or give it up.

the end.

Timeless

Baby come close let me tell you this
In a whisper my heart says you know it too
Baby we both share a secret wish
And you feel my love reaching out to you

Timeless
Don’t let it end (no)
Now that you’re right here in my arms where you should stay
Hold tight baby
Timeless
Don’t let it fade out of sight
Just let the moments sweep us both away
Lifting us to where
We both agree
It's just timeless love

I see it all baby in your eyes
When you look at me I know I feel it too (yes I do)
So let's sail away and be forever baby
Where the crystal ocean melts into the sky
We shouldn’t let the moment pass
Making me shiver let’s make it last
Why should we lose it don’t ever let me go

Timeless
Baby its timeless
Oh baby its timeless

Timeless
Don’t let it fade out of sight
Just let the moments sweep us both away
Lifting us to where
We both agree
It’s just timeless
It’s just timeless

Love

Heaven Knows

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake till
I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know

And though she's far away
It just keeps gettin stronger
everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on
So tell me where do I start
Cause it breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will
Find their way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

My friends keep tellin me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in kind
I'll know she's mine
So tell me where do I start
Cause it breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our heart will
Find their way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

Why I live in despair
'Cause wide awake or
Dreaming
I know she's never there
And all this time I act so brave
I'm shaking inside
Why it does hurt me so

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our heart will
Find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

Maybe my love will come
Back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our heart will
Find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and
Pray 'cause heaven knows

Heven knows.....

Kai... I will come back if we're meant to be. Trust me, just this once. ILU.

trust and openness

A friendship built on trust and openness, that is the kind of friendship i want. everything else falls second.

All this while, I wondered how some of my beautiful friendships can be such a bliss. today, after a moment of soul searching, i managed to capture the essence of it in two words- trust and openness.

19 years of my existence and i thought that'trust' was the only important factor in any relationship. however, i discovered a downfall to it. despite the trust between us, i faced many disputes with my friends. When our opinions clashes, voicing out can lead to offending the other's feelings, thus, sparking off a fight. but keeping disagreements to oneself is just as bad as these resentments tend to build up in us. it is only a matter of time before either party blows his top off. Either way, both parties are at a loss and the relationship will not be as picturesque as before. therefore, the ability to voice out our truthful opinion (politely, of course) and the ability to resolve disputes while maintaining harmony are two very crucial skills one needs to hone in order to keep a friendship going. What's certain is that there shouldn't be any from of grudge bearing once the dispute has been dissolved.

i am lucky to have found a few of these people, people who have decorated my life with such beautiful friendship. this entry is dedicated to them....

-the withches.
-Adamartini
-zurie
-dez

not forgetting the newest and the only torn amoung the roses.....

-kai

Some eye opening scenarios

I received a forwarded mail from one of my witches- will. it's about how we treat the people around us. They serve as a reminder to us as, being humans, we tend to forget the nitty gritty things that really matters. Here's a copy of it. Do take some time to read and reflect.

1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.

During my second month of college, our professor
gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student
and had breezed through the questions until I read
the last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"
Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the
cleaning woman several times. She was tall,
dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question
blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if
the last question would count toward our quiz grade.

"Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers,
you will meet many people. All are significant. They
deserve your attention and care, even if all you do
is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her
name was Dorothy.

2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain

One night, at11:30 p.m., an older African American
woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway
trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had
broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.
A young white man stopped to help her, generally
unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man
took her to safety, helped her get assistance, and
put her into a taxicab.

She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his
address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a
knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a
giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A
special note was attached..

It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway
the other night. The rain drenched not only my
clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along.
Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying
husband's bedside just before he passed away... God
bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving
others."

Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those
who serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less,
a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and
sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in
front of him.

"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.

"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.

The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and
studied the coins in it.

"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.

By now more people were waiting for a table and the
waitress was growing impatient.

"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.

The little boy again counted his coins.

"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.

The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on
the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice
cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress
came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the
table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish,
were two nickels and five pennies..

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had
to have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a
roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if
anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the
king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by
and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the
King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did
anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of
vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the
peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the
stone to the side of the road. After much pushing
and straining, he finally succeeded. After the
peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed
a purse lying in the road where the boulder had
been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note
from the King indicating that the gold was for the
person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The
peasant learned what many of us never understand!

Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve
our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a
hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who
was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only
chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had
miraculously survived the same disease and had
developed the antibodies needed to combat the
illness. The doctor explained the situation to her
little brother, and asked the little boy if he would
be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a
deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will
save her." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in
bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did,
seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his
face grew pale and his smile faded.

He looked up at the doctor and asked with a
trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the
doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his
sister all of his blood in order to save her.

**Nice eh... i have to admit that i am guilty of some, especially the name thing(Lesson 1). I face difficulties in remembering people's names, even though some of them are very significant to me. It is a problem i face since sometime in the middle of sec 3. Effort is put in to better this flaw of mine but in the midst of it, i hope the affected people are able to bear with me.**

Now, for the main reason why i'm here...

The mail above was ended with 3 sets of words of wisdom. One of them is too 'wise' for me to believe in the possibility of it.

"Work like you don't need the money."
ok... i can accept that. It's a good principle to live by. I do believe that the world has more than enough money-minded people tarnishing the goodness of mankind. The world is short of sincere people, people who do things for the sole reason of benefitting others and making the world a better place. Sadly, pressed down by the ever so strong pressure to excel and be successful just to survive, many people tend to sway towards materialism for it is those things that proves your deserving of the status you hold. The world now is a crazy place. People compete with each other for the best certs, the best jobs, the best seats, the best of everything. Some resort to backstabbing, some prefer ball carrying, or a nicer way to put it, apple polishing. Friends are, in reality, all time rivals. All in the name of securing a place in the material world. What, then, is the meaning of enjoying life? That brings me to the next quote...

"Dance like you do when nobody's watching."
True... Life's short and everything you do should be done to it's very best aka to your satisfaction so that one can move on with no regrets, whether or not the results of his attempts are desirable. In order to achieve this, one cannot afford to be self-conscious to the extent that he behaves the way people want him to and not how he chooses. This is one principle i hold strongly and thus, i'm enjoying every bit of my life.

BUT...

"Love like you've never been hurt."
When i read this, my first thought was 'Ya, right...Like that's ever going to happen.' Maybe this person's just trying to be optimistic and inspirational but i think he's trying a little too hard coming up with THIS! Every attempt in a relationship bring significant impact in me, impact that are cemented the moment they hold a place in my heart. These impacts 'guide' me to the relationship of my dreams. I have to remember all the hurt and the painful break ups to deter me from guys like that. Sounds unfair to the other party but wat the hell do i care! if my heart gets hurt, i'm the one who has to mend it. Not anyone else. So, how on earth do I love like i've never been loved? I want to be loved. I want to finally find that someone who can love me for who I am and one whom I feel strongly for. But I cannot let go of the hurt I've felt before. They're evidence that I've gone throught hard times and deserve a good one.

Or maybe it's only because I haven't found the one whom I can entrust my heart to. I haven't found the one who can make me feel assured enough to let go of all my insecurities. Will there ever be one who can fit into this fundamental criteria?

I don't know. From what I've seen so far, there isn't any sign of such person anymore. They no longer exist. As what I always say... they're either dead or taken up by other more fortunate girls.

But...

Although thinned, my hope in finding one is still there. I'm still young. I haven't seen everything yet or at least enought for me to give up and resign to fate.

Everyone has one goal set as the ultimate goal. It's a goal that is normally the hardest for one to attain (depending on individual calibre). It is also one goal that, once achieved, will make one's life feel complete and nothing else really matters.

My one goal is to find this soul partner, the one whom i meet all the time in my dreams. The one who reflects the characteristics of my father. The one who is able to make me as happy as my parents.

I know he's out there...

But what I don't know is whether he's looking for me...


Or maybe he's given up.


So...

Until I find this one person, that line up there, the one in inverted commas, is impossible. For me, at least.

some words that clears the murky water

i feel it again! this sucky feeling.. it's back! says:
wat is tis feeling?
:+**D@rren**+: -* says:
well its difficult to say yah
:+**D@rren**+: -* says:
it could just be a natural expression of your caring nature
:+**D@rren**+: -* says:
(which is not a bad thing eh?)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
i feel it again! this sucky feeling.. it's back! says:
i'm fickle. even if i like something now, it might not be the same ltr.
:+**D@rren**+: -* says:
then you'll have to learn how to love yourself, wartdhs and all
:+**D@rren**+: -* says:
otherwise, you'll live a life full of regrets
:+**D@rren**+: -* says:
remember, in everything that you do, no regrets.
i feel it again! this sucky feeling.. it's back! says:
even if the whole thing turns out wrong, i shouldn't regret?
:+**D@rren**+: -* says:
nope. it's 50-50 remember. it's not always your fault, your responsibility.
i feel it again! this sucky feeling.. it's back! says:
:)

i don't know...

i don't know...
why i feel what i felt just now.
my heart as though squeezed when i heard the news
my feet were suddenly rooted to the ground.

i don't know...
why i went to all extent to get there.
hailed a cab, supposedly till tamp
but eventually rushed all the way with it.

i don't know...
why it hurts me so to see you like that.
holding back tears hearing your cries of pain
that i had to look away many times.

i don't know...
why my hands were trembling as i watched you.
that i had to hold you tight, not wanting to let go
both to calm you down and stop me from trembling.

i don't know...
why i can do so much with so little.
days old friendship suddenly became so dear
when just a few moments ago, you're only a friend to me.

i don't know...
how to explain this feeling.
it's weird, funny and... i don't know!
and i don't know why...

i don't know why....

i really don't...

i don't know why i want this feeling to stay...


ya... i want this feeling to stay.

a happy day...

my relationship with my parents are better now...

i can't say anything except that i'm awfully glad to have them as my parents.
misunderstanding is inevitable in any kind of realtionship, no matter how smooth sailing it had been all along. the only way to safeguard the relationship in times like this is to constantly be patient and compromising. if the relationship is true, it will be able to withstand the tension and even become stronger after that.

enough said...

i love you, mom&dad.

no matter what happens...

i'm proud of you...

and i live to make you proud of me.

love you loads!!!!!!!!!!!

what a day

yesterday was a day i could not decipher. none of the events that happened the moment i reached home made sense.

when i reach home, my mom was mad at me for breaking fast. that was understandable and thus, i stood silent when she scolded me. nothing wrong about that.

i went into the room, put away my bag and removed my scarf. i was too tired to take a shower first, so i rested for a while. my dad came in and started telling me off for resting. having been tired at that point of time,i didn't really bother about his words.

it was prayer time. my dad told me to pray first before i do anything else. as i approached the washroom, my mom told me to send a quick e-mail to some org pertaining to a job position she's interested in. i did it, my dad saw, and scolded me. i tried to tell him that it was a short one and mom was the one who wanted me to do it. he didn't care about any of them and remained to his stand. the blind accusations were getting on my nerves by then. but i tried to keep it down, not wanting to spark off a fight btw my parents and i.

after prayers, my dad was watchin tv. i joined in, trying to start off a small conversation just to see if he's ok. no response. it hurts but, as a daughter, it has already been emphasized on me that in all situations, i am in the wrong. so i kept my hurts to myself.

my mom went out of the room. she saw me there. my grandfather,who was in the kitchen, just finished his dinner and was washing his plates. my mom scolded me for not helping my grandfather.i saw that as a deliberate attempt to find faults in me coz nobody in the house washes the plates of others unless they happen to eat at the same time or the dishes came with a load of other utensils (pots, pans, etc). i, confused at her claim and very hurt by the many fault findings by then, went to the kitchen only to see nothing in the sink. i was trying very hard to fight back my tears by then. i am a daughter. my parents have the right to do such things to me... but why?

my mom saw the hurt look on my face and said 'what? i can't say anything to you without making you hurt, is it?' it's a line that means she doesn't like me being older and arrogant. more confused and hurt than i already am, i went into my room.

in my room, i stood quietly alone thinking if i have done anything very wrong to them. couldn't think of any that would give them an excuse strong enough to do such things to me. but i stood with the stand. i'm a daughter. whatever it is, i am in the wrong. and i will be the one who has to apologize.

mom entered the room,sarcastically apologized for hurting me, and immediately told me to go out and carry on watching tv. i rejected for i already had no mood to do so by then. who, in the right state of mind, wouldn't? she insisted and told me that i'm disrupting her dinner. i stood firm, also coz i know grandfather is out there and i don't want him to see me this way. she was pissed and said 'that's it, you will not hear anything from me from now on'.... just because i didn't want to watch tv, she didn't want to talk to me... how did that happen?

i couldn't hold it back. tears started flowing willingly down my cheeks. for a moment, i just let it out. i cried to my heart's content till i was satisfied. after which, i took my abolution and prayed, hoping that God will give me strenght to go through this ordeal.

after prayers, i went into my parents room and waited for mom to come out from the washroom. once she was out, i took her hand and kissed it. she tried to refuse but gave in unwillingly. it was a brief moment. she pulled her hand away and left the room. i swallowed that in...

that night, i talked it out to a friend on the phone. stay strong, don't think too much about it and comforting words were showered to me. then we played a game called the intelligence game. it lightened up the whole atmosphere for a while. after the conversation, i felt slightly better and fell asleep.

today, i was hoping my parents were feeling better as well. i got ready for work as quickly as i could so that i could steal some time to takl to them before i left for work. but when i wanted to leave for work, i searched the whole house... they had left. i didn't even get the chance to kiss their hands, a practice i never missed. they never left without saying bye. today, they did.

now, as i am recalling the incident and typing it in through my office's com, i still have to fight my tears back. what big sin have i done to deserve all this? i should stop here for if i were to start thinking about this, i would have to enter my next class with swollen eyes.

mom & dad, if you happen to read this, answer my questions. i don't know what the heck is going on!!!!!!!

a different point of view

been involved in SYF for the last few trainings. My AC requested for my help so i went down. It was my 3rd HQ involvement since i became a CI, first being Police Day in 200* and next being the National Day Parade in 2004. All have been really great experiences, especially the most recent one.

One reason is because i get to make new friends from other areas. it's called networking and that's CRUCIAL in any organization. I made a tonne of friends from A9 through SYF. very friendly bunch i must say... except for one tiny girl of whom i find scary to approach in the first place...... haha!

if it is any lessons that i have brought home with me after my experience with the other areas, it would be the importance of opening up to changes and exposing oneself to the cultures of other areas.

this is one thing my area lacks. i seriously do not know if i should put this online but i hope that, if they were to read this, they would, for the first time, really think and CHANGE, instead of taking it as a form of criticism and remaining RIGID forever.

it's a sad fact that my area is being controlled by the old birds... no offence to them as i do understand their intention is to guide the new CIs which is not wrong at all... but i don understand why the newbies listen to them and ONLY them. anything dat comes from those from other areas are downright TRASH and their act of voicing out as an insult to the area's CULTURE. as a result, the area REFUSES to change. STAGNATION is the word. they don't ask for help. they expect ppl to come to them, ask wat they need and then cater to it. debrief sessions are simply a battle ground for ppl to point fingers. and yr after yr, last yr's faults are repeated coz it's the TRADITION. they're hostile and have bad perceptions on the CIs from other areas even BEFORE they step foot into the area, and still expect them to be nice and cow down to the area's RULES AND REGULATION. if these ppl don cow down, many attempts will be made to THROW them out of the area.

the new CIs from other area also suck coz the only thing that comes across their minds is that the area CMI and should not be entertained. thus, it's always a matter of proving who's right and wrong. things don get done... cadets see the ever so OBVIOUS SPLIT btw the CIs and some even join in the play and side their favs. it's all abt WHO CAN COMPLAIN BETTER, TRAITORSHIP, SHOOTING, AND OUTCASTING.

when i see the way A9 bond and mingle HAPPILY wif CIs from other areas, i feel an enormous sense of envy and disappointment. i envy the way they are able to enjoy each other's company wif no prejudice and SERVE THE CORPSE in a more memorable way. they STAND UP for ALL in their area, no matter how distant they can actually be. all comments are taken as a learning point and everything NPCC related are handled PROFESSIONALLY. no personal matters dragged in. no POWER STRUGGLE.

i understand that all areas have their respective cultures cultivated. but that does not mean that it should be used as an excuse to STAY THE SAME. wat more if some areas of the culture are WRONG. it's causing detriments to the cadets, the unit and the area. but no... that's not war they all are up for... wat they want is power. they (the oldies) want to hold on to the power to influence the new minds to think alike... so that wat they have built will not be overrunned and they will be able to spread their WINGS OF INFLUENCE.

this shit sucks man! was offered to join other areas... didn't want to really, looking at the state of my OWN AREA, i knew they needed me more. but when i'm here, they don want to chg... they want to stay the same. now, am really considering of a transfer after HOBTC. i am sick of power struggle and i am SICK OF BEING TOLD TO BE THE ONE TO BACKSTAB! i don train myself to be a CI to do this f***** up junk!

NOW, I'VE SET MY MIND TO THESE....

1)improve myself (skills and all)********
2)go for HOBTC
3)den decide wat to do and where to go.

should i have offended any party in this entry, please accept my sincerest apology. at no point of time did i want to deliberately cause hurt. but reality has to come to light for things to happen and for CHANGE TO TAKE PLACE.